What should I do if I can’t stand my best friend’s partner?

Plant a tree, have a child, write a book. According to Spanish poet José Martí, we should all do those three things in life. Hating your best friend’s partner? That’s not on the list, but unfortunately it can happen to all of us. Is there a solution? Should we let our friend know that we don’t like their partner?

Oscar, 39, thinks his best friend’s girlfriend is a self-centered, arrogant and somewhat insolent person. But his best friend loves her, seems happy, and so Oscar is resigning himself to having this person in his life and part of his social interactions. “This has created two types of situations with my friend,” explains Oscar. “When she’s there and when she isn’t. When she isn’t, my relationship with my friend is the same as always: we laugh and tell each other the same things as always. When she’s there, everything is different. If I have a few beers, I can even find her nice.” Alcohol, which works for Oscar, is not the solution. But there are other strategies.

What is a drama in life can make for a great comedy in fiction. In an episode of Friends, Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) starts dating Tommy (Ben Stiller). Although Rachel’s ex discovers that her new boyfriend has anger management problems, she doesn’t believe him, believing he is just jealous. In the end, it’s discovered that he was right, but the episode made it clear that it is difficult to tell a friend we don’t like their partner, without getting into a fight. It’s a thorny issue. So when should we bring it up with our friend?

The argument for speaking up: listen, but don’t give unsolicited advice

“We need to talk about the subject when we think that our friend’s mental health is really in danger or if we perceive they are suffering when they are with their partner,” says Dr. Emma Ribas, author of Mindful Love.

She also warns that if a person is emotionally dependent on their partner, it is likely they will get angry when they hear a friend’s not-so-positive opinion of their partner. “We have to open a door for them to explain to us how they feel in the relationship,” she recommends. “That is why it is important to do it from a space where there is no judgment, from a situation of active listening where the other person feels free and can express themselves. To avoid giving advice if the person has not asked for it. We have to validate their emotions to find that door, and finally, be able to express what we observe.”

The argument against speaking up: leave personal opinions aside

Of course, we have to differentiate if we like a friend’s partner because we think they are hurting them or, simply, because they don’t seem like a good fit, we think they are boring, or we just don’t like them.

If we fall into the second category, Rafael San Román, author of What Should I Tell My Psychologist?, recommends not saying anything- “If we simply don’t like the person, it is appropriate to say nothing, because everyone has the right to make their mistakes and successes. What’s more: if even though we don’t like them, we can see that they make our friend happy, we should celebrate it,” says the therapist. “On the other hand, we do have to say something when our friend tends to put themselves at risk or make a fool of themselves when their partner is around.”

“If we don’t like the way he or she acts around their partner,” he explains, “the most useful thing is probably not to give them our personal impressions, but to give examples of situations that we think may be hurting them. For example: ‘I have the feeling that when you’re with your partner, you tend to do this thing that you never do with other people.’ This way, we can keep the subject neutral and probe without going too head-on or into a personal attack, because then the friend will shut down.”

The argument for prevention: foster honesty in the friendship

Taking into account that sooner or later a friend is likely to date someone we don’t like, Borja Vilaseca, author of Love Your Solitude, believes that the most important thing is to anticipate this issue. “A true friendship needs a foundation and therefore, it is a good idea to be able to talk about it beforehand and tell a friend that if they ever feel that we are dating someone and that the relationship is changing us negatively, we would like them to tell us,” he says. “By creating those foundations, if this finally happens, it can be commented on and said assertively, without presenting it as an objective truth.”

The argument for speaking up: is your friend a real friend?

While some experts argue that we should confront a friend if we notice that their partner is having a negative effect on them, Dr. Emma Ribas believes it only makes sense to do this if we can focus the conversation on the friendship itself. “We can talk about how we feel and tell the other person that we have observed a change towards us, not because their partner is better or worse, but because we have noticed that their behavior towards us has changed,” she says. “It is about talking about what affects us without getting into the relationship, thus focusing on the friendship.”

Ribas adds that the friend must be spoken to in a way that encourages them to open up. “If we validate their emotions, we will finally be able to express what we observe,” she explains.

The conclusion

To sum up, if our friend is in a toxic relationship, it is key for us to bring up the issue. And it is also a good idea to broach the subject if we have a deep friendship that is being negatively affected by their relationship.

In this case, Oscar loses out. “His girlfriend is neither abusive nor toxic, I just don’t like her,” he laments. “And if I wanted her to start being abusive and toxic so that my friend would leave her, then I would be the toxic one.” That could also be a Friends episode. If it were funny.

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