Addiction to love is real, and can be avoided

U.S. tabloids have spent weeks speculating over the causes of a possible breakup between Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. Among the strangest of these explanations has been “addiction to love.” On TMZ, they’ve taken this theory so seriously that they’ve interviewed psychologist and neurologists about not only if it was the reason behind the couple’s potential rift, but also, on if such an addiction even exists in the first place.

The answer, to the latter query at least, is that it most certainly does. The chemical compounds that the body secretes while falling in love can be more addictive than a recreational drug. So says lauded anthropologist Helen Fisher, who has spent decades researching love. According to Fisher, between 12 and 15 months after the beginning of a romance, this hormonal torrent subsides. “Romantic love, in the best of cases, is a wonderful addiction. In the worst of cases, it leads to depression, suicide and even murder. In fact, our brain scan studies show that when a person falls in love, the same areas of the brain are stimulated as those of drug addicts.”

Some people get hooked on that initial “high” and do everything they can to return to that initial state of euphoria. These are the people who are addicted to love. “It is possible to become ill from breaking up with someone, since being with that person releases hormones like dopamine, serotonin and endorphins, which leave the brain wanting more. Their chemical bomb generates a pleasurable sensation that can create great need to be close to that person, constantly looking for that reward,” says Ana Pérez, author of Cuídate para crecer (Take Care of Yourself to Grow).

How to tell the difference between emotional dependence and addiction to love

Though it’s normal to equate a love addiction with emotional dependence, Lara G. Ferreiro, author of the essay Adicta a un gilipollas (Addicted to an Asshole), would like to make it clear that in reality, such a dependence is not necessarily toxic — unlike addiction. “It’s not naïve to depend emotionally on the people we love. Healthy interdependence among adults is wonderful. Dependence means connection, but it’s a problem when emotional addiction comes into play, that’s the hook,” says the psychologist.

“It’s a positive addiction when one’s love is reciprocal, healthy and appropriate (which is to say, when neither of the two people involved are in a relationship with another person or have other major issues). It’s a negative addiction when the feelings of romantic love are inappropriate, toxic, unreturned and/or formally rejected,” says Fisher, who believes that romantic love should be treated as an addiction. She says that this kind of love is not only a very strong addiction, but a universal challenge, as nearly everyone experiences it at some point, unlike other addictions such as compulsive gambling or substance abuse.

In her book, Ferreiro includes a test for the reader to discover whether they are addicted to love. If they identify with one of the seven points the psychologist describes, it might be a cause for concern. These points are: always winding up hurt, sad and frustrated by romantic relationships; permitting toxic behavior from partners in the past; feeling addicted to partner as if they were an emotional drug; putting up with everything the other person does; repeating the same pattern with toxic partners; and low self-esteem. “Emotional addiction is characterized by an obsessive mental state, an irresistible urge to be with one’s partner, the loss of impulse control, centering one’s life on another person and experiencing intense desires to consume the emotional drug that their partner’s presence has turned into,” Ferreiro explains.

To the question of why some people experience romantic connection in a much more dangerous and toxic manner, psychologist Ana Pérez answers that the development of an addiction is multifaceted and can be impacted by different variables. During the first phase of falling in love, the presence of dopamine (the hormone associated with pleasure and well-being) plays an important role. Pérez says that it can serve as the door through which other factors enter, like one’s personal history, experiences, self-esteem, mental health and attachment style.

“The combination of these factors will determine in large part the decisions that a person makes and the way in which they experience feelings. For example, if a person developed an insecure attachment style in childhood, that can affect the way they relate to a partner. If they have suffered from anxiety, depression or other problems related to mental health, they can be more likely to develop this kind of dependence,” she says. If a person feels like their validation depends on the approval of those around them due to their low self-esteem, they can be more prone to form pathological links with their partner. “In addition, at the genetic level, there are people who can be predisposed to develop addictive behaviors,” she adds.

How to get over a love addiction

The song Can’t Get Enough by Jennifer Lopez is itself a self-parody of a love addict whose incessant search for true love has led her to get married four times. “Jennifer Lopez makes fun of her own love addiction on Can’t Get Enough; What does Ben Affleck think?”, asks a People headline. The couple have yet to make any public statement on the matter.

It’s normal in love-addicted relationships that the fear of the mere idea of breaking up makes the love addict unable to move on, even allowing for abuse and humiliation in order to hang onto the bond. Is there a way out? Ro Jiménez, author of Por qué duele tanto (Why It Hurts So Much), says it’s essential for such people to work on their beliefs and structures in order to re-learn how to relate to others, and sustain healthy, long-term relationships. “I am in favor, especially when I work with women, of using an approach that addresses the guilt of ‘not being able to leave.’ I wish it were that easy, but unfortunately, there is a whole social system set up to make us feel that way, so it’s not always an easy task,” she says.

Ana Pérez says that it is possible to overcome all addictions, but it requires work and effort from the person who wishes to break free of them. “To begin with, it’s fundamental for the person to accept that they have a problem; that recognition is crucial for beginning to work on the change, because you can’t make progress on something that you don’t recognize as a problem. The person needs to want to get out of their situation and maintain a strong motivation during the process,” she says.

She underlines the importance of having a good support system. “It’s vital to have people near you that can help, listen, and hold you up when you’re in a moment of crisis. A significant support system, made up of friends and/or family members who understand what is happening and are aware of the state in which the person finds themselves, can be a big help. It’s not necessary to go through this process alone. Turning to help from family members, friends or a mental health professional can be key to a successful recovery,” she says.

Pérez says that since it’s common for love addicts to suffer from a loss of identity and low self-esteem, it’s essential for them to work on their autonomy, acknowledge the need to spend time with themselves and other people, as well as picking back up hobbies and activities they used to enjoy. Since love addicts often go from relationship to relationship, Pérez says it’s important they reflect to better understand where they want to go and who they could be if they conquered their addiction.

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