Even if they won’t admit it, parents do indeed have a favorite child

As a general rule, if you ask a mother or father if they have a favorite child, their immediate response will be a resounding “no!” Or perhaps: “How could I have a favorite? I love them both equally!” In fact, according to a survey by public data portal YouGov, only one in 10 parents admit to having a favored offspring. “Admitting that you have a favorite child is one of the great taboos of parenting because it clashes with the idea of a perfect mother or father who is always fair and equitable. The issue generates discomfort, guilt and fear of social judgment, especially among mothers, who tend to be more scrutinized in their role,” says Sara Tarrés, a psychologist and author of the Spanish-language book Mi hijo me cae mal (I don’t like my kid; Plataforma editorial, 2023).

However, increasing scientific evidence suggests the opposite might be true. Which is to say, that it’s normal for parents to have a favorite child. According to a study published in 2005 by researchers at the University of California, Davis, up to 74% of mothers and 70% of fathers show preferential treatment towards one of their children. The result of a recently published scientific review suggests that girls, younger children and kids who are more responsible and organized tend to receive more favorable treatment from their mothers and fathers.

“I think that these studies serve to systematize something that we as psychologists often observe in our clinical practice, which is that every child awakens something different in their parents that is fundamentally attributed to each child’s specific characteristics,” says Raquel Huéscar, perinatal psychologist and member of the Official College of Psychology of Madrid. Her opinion is shared by Tarrés, who thinks that parents’ emotions and predilections inevitably influence how they relate to their offspring. “It is natural to connect more with certain children at certain times, whether that’s because of their temperament, personality or other specific circumstances.”

Both experts agree that in their experience, favorites tend to be the children who are easier to raise from an adult perspective, boys and girls with calm and docile demeanors, or those who exhibit traits like being responsible or friendly. In a certain sense, this kind of behavior “gives their progenitors the idea that they are good parents.” To this, Huéscar adds the importance of the gap between a parent’s ideal of their child and reality, in addition to the gap between the child’s behavior and the memories a parent has of their own childhood. “It can be difficult for parents who were very accommodating to understand why one of their offspring is totally different. Grieving for the ideal child can sometimes make it difficult to connect with their kids,” she says.

Having a favorite kid doesn’t mean you love the others any less

According to Tarrés, recognizing one’s inclination towards a certain child doesn’t mean there is less love for the rest, “but that subtlety isn’t always easy to understand.” Huéscar agrees. In fact, according to the perinatal psychologist, such favoritism can change over time as children themselves evolve. For example, it may be that during their childhood, one kid has an easier temperament, but grows more distant as an adolescent, while the other, whose early days were more difficult, becomes more loving and accessible with time. “Love for one’s children is not homogeneous, nor is it always as unconditional as they say, because we are human and sometimes, that unconditionality is complex,” says Tarrés.

Even if favoritism is natural, it’s important for mothers and fathers to manage it “consciously” to avoid inequalities that can have negative consequences for their children, says the author of Mi hijo me cae mal. The fact is, Tarrés explains, “children, even from a very young age, are extremely sensitive to the nuances in their relationship with their parents.” Of course, obvious measures, like taking the side of one sibling over another in conflicts, are to be avoided. But even more subtle factors like one’s tone of voice, the warmth in one’s gestures, or even how a kid is talked to in front of others, can give away a parent’s preferences.

One study entitled Young adults’ retrospective reports of family cohesion, parental differential treatment, and sibling relationships published in 2023 by the scientific publication Family Relations concludes that the differences perceived by children when it came to parents’ treatment and control can affect relationships among siblings and the family dynamic in general. According to Tarrés, marked favoritism for one child over another can have consequences for all those involved. The favored kid, according to the psychologist, can face excessive pressure to fulfill their parents’ expectations, which can result in stress, anxiety or the stereotyping of one’s identity. The less-favored offspring can develop low self-esteem, feel rejected or exhibit disruptive behaviors as a way of seeking validation. Favoritism can lead to rivalry and resentment among siblings, affecting long-term familial ties.

“It’s fundamental to understand that loving children in different ways is not negative, as long as we are conscious of those dynamics and avoid our actions and worlds reflecting clear favoritism,” says Tarrés. In her view, “the key to preventing those negative perceptions lies in stopping to think, reflecting on our actions and trying to balance our relationships with all of our children, recognizing each one’s individuality and respecting their unique needs and characteristics.”

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