You’ll never convince anyone and four other reasons not to get angry

An email or text whose tone seems out of place. A friend who forgets to wish us a happy birthday or ask how we are, even though he knows we’re struggling. Someone who asks for too much, doesn’t keep their promises, or who, in our opinion, makes a serious mistake in making a decision. We’ll never be short of reasons to get irritated and despair at the world and the people in it. How can we contain our anger and frustration in the face of everything that hurts us? To achieve this, it may help to understand that, in almost all cases, anger is useless and can actually complicate things even further. Let’s look at five reasons why.

1. The other party won’t understand anything. Everyone acts from their own level of consciousness, based on a particular experience and worldview. For that person, it’s completely logical to behave this way. That’s why they’ll never be able to see the problem through our eyes. In fact, our reaction will seem much more serious to the other person than the specific fact we disapprove of.

2. Every reproach creates its justification. Nine decades ago, Dale Carnegie, the author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, noted that “criticism is useless because it puts other people on the defensive and usually leads them to try to justify themselves.” Carnegie added: “Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious pride, wounds their sense of importance, and arouses resentment.” That brings us to the next point.

3. Anger is interpreted as arrogance. The very act of pointing out what the other person has done wrong will be seen as an imbalance of power. Someone who is indignant adopts a position of moral superiority, as it implies that they know how to do better, that they have stronger values, or that they are capable of seeing what the other person doesn’t. Even when our intention is to help or avoid danger, the other person may experience it as humiliation.

4. You’ll never convince anyone. Just as we can’t be forced to change our football team or political party, in any tense situation, the ego becomes entrenched in its position. For this reason, unless we use a very subtle persuasive strategy, questioning others only strengthens them.

5. It’s an unnecessary waste of energy, time, and relationships. One of the most famous Chinese proverbs advises: “When you are overcome with great joy, promise nothing to anyone. When you are overcome with great anger, don’t answer any letters.” Regarding the latter, anger not only deteriorates or even breaks hard-to-build bonds. It also diverts our attention from the things that really matter.

Let’s look at an example of the latter. A is convinced that B, with whom he maintains a good friendship, has made the wrong decision. Because of the trust and affection he has for B, A feels empowered to write in a message the reasons why it’s wrong for him to act this way, when he should have acted differently. B is annoyed by what he sees as intrusion and misinterpretation of his actions. Therefore, he will respond to A’s long message with an equally long reply that may include some overt or veiled jabs.

Realizing that he has offended his friend, A will be forced to compose an equally long or longer message, apologizing for some of the things he said and redirecting what he really wanted to say.

After this, the relationship may freeze, or at least there may be a greater distance between the parties. No one feels comfortable with the situation that has been created. If, in a subsequent personal meeting, the matter is brought up again, that investment of time and energy will have to be added to what has already been wasted with the previous back-and-forth messages. And all of it for nothing. Wouldn’t it have been better to contain the desire to scold or lecture the other person, seeing this as a splendid opportunity to keep quiet? As the Chinese philosophy of wu wei (non-action) reminds us, we will rarely regret having held back, while we will regret countless times having let ourselves go. Perhaps that’s why Thomas Jefferson, the third president of the United States, practiced the classic measure of counting to 10 when he was angry and recommended: “If you are very angry, count to 100.” It’s well-known advice, but it can save us a lot of trouble.

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