Zombieing: How to deal with an ex who ‘resurrects’ on your phone

In the digital age, social media plays an increasingly central role in the lives of Generation Z. It is now common for younger generations to name or label behaviors that impact their love lives. First came “red flags,” the warning signs that signal the potential for a tumultuous relationship. Then, “ghosting” described the act of abandoning a relationship or potential one without explanation. More recently, “zombieing” emerged — a practice where people repeatedly resurrect relationships that were previously considered over.

“These words are appealing because they condense into a single term situations many people experience, allowing them to name and share their experiences on platforms like TikTok or Instagram,” says psychologist María Padilla, founder of Capital Psicólogos.

Psychologist Ana Lombardía also explains that these terms have gained popularity because, in many cases, they are necessary to define what individuals are experiencing. “They help us understand these situations and realize that others have gone through the same thing,” she says. She adds that labeling experiences is beneficial for her patients in consultations. “Now people come to me and say, ‘I’ve been ghosted,’ and we all immediately understand what has happened.”

In recent months, the term zombieing has gone viral on TikTok. According to Lombardía, this is due to social media’s immense power in popularizing such terms, which, in turn, makes it easier for these issues to be identified in relationships. “Before, if an ex wanted to reconnect, they had to call, seek you out, or write to you. Now, with a simple like or emoji, they can reappear without making any more effort than pressing the screen of their phone while they are bored on the couch.”

Padilla also believes that the ease of disconnecting in the era of dating apps and social media makes it easier to cut off communication without facing emotions face-to-face, and consequently, easier to reconnect without much difficulty.

In these cases, the person who disappears without explanation avoids confronting the situation. “By breaking a bond without explanation, like a zombie, they can return without needing to justify their return,” explains psychologist and sexologist Lucía Jiménez.

Carlota Gómez, 30, from Madrid, was zombied after everything seemed to be going well in the relationship. “Suddenly, he stopped responding to my messages, and then he appeared again with a simple like. I didn’t understand and I felt very confused. I liked him, so I let him back into my life.”

For her part, Lucía Ramírez, 31, admits that, although months have passed, she still doesn’t understand what happened to her relationship, and feels like she is to blame. She had been seeing a guy for months, and felt there was chemistry between them. He told her that the feelings were mutual. But one day, out of the blue, he disappeared. “I think he didn’t dare to fully break up with me in case he ever wanted to have sex. All my friends consoled me by saying he would come back. And so it happened: one day, out of nowhere, he wrote to meet up as if nothing had happened, and I didn’t know how to respond. I liked him, and I fell for it again. A few weeks later, he disappeared again,” she says.

Experts agree that weaker bonds are currently being formed, which is one of the reasons why terms like zombieing have gained popularity. “We’ve reached a point of consumerism in relationships where we don’t form real connections because we’re afraid of being vulnerable,” explains Jiménez. “From a superficial perspective, it doesn’t matter whether we leave or return, since we don’t develop empathy towards the other person. It’s harder for us to let others in, and as a result, bonds remain at a more superficial level.”

She also clarifies that the primary reason someone might return to another person’s life is because they feel they have the power to do so. “Personal ego plays a role, and it’s the responsibility of the affected person to set boundaries and communicate that these games don’t work with them.”

Experts further explain that people who engage in these behaviors often do so because they don’t know how to close a chapter or process the emotions associated with the end of a relationship. “They may return because they feel lonely, need validation, or miss the comfort they once had with that person. Some people return simply to ensure they still have a place in the other person’s life, without necessarily wanting something serious,” says Padilla.

María Victoria Sánchez López, a psychologist specializing in clinical psychology and director of Grupo Laberinto Psicoterapia para la Salud, explains that these situations are relatively common when someone is seeing several people at once. Depending on these interactions and their expectations, the attention and communication given to each person can fluctuate. “The problem lies in the lack of transparency or communication. Suddenly, communication is cut off, leaving the other person bewildered and confused, unable to understand or discuss what has happened,” she adds

Carla Martin, 25, a graphic designer, confesses: “I got back with an ex because I felt lonely. One day I sent him a like on Instagram, and we started talking. I was bored and thought maybe we could try things again, but it didn’t last long. It was a mistake, and I realized that nothing had changed.”

Similarly, Javier Lopez, 28, a lawyer, shares: “I didn’t want to cut off contact for good. I was still in love with my ex, but I didn’t feel ready for a relationship, so I kept talking to this girl so she wouldn’t lose interest. I liked her, but not enough. Eventually, I realized it wasn’t going anywhere, and I stopped talking to her without any explanation.”

Psychologist and sexologist Ana Sierra points out that, in some cases, a person might decide to reconnect because they want to offer explanations, reflecting on the past and hoping to do things better. “It’s possible that they want to heal a relationship that ended abruptly,” she says. However, she warns that in such cases, it’s essential to make sure there’s been a sincere change before giving a second chance. “It will only make sense if something has truly changed.”

Consequences of zombieing

It’s important to understand that often, a simple like or reaction to another person’s posts on social media can trigger a strong emotional response. “There’s no emotional responsibility, as the other person may have moved on, and reopening communication can reopen old wounds,” says Sierra.

“It’s becoming increasingly common to hear the phrase ‘Everyone always comes back’ among friends and in TV shows. This is more likely if the person perceives that old relationships are still available,” explains the expert, citing the saying: “Whoever leaves without being thrown out, returns without being called.”

However, far from being a positive outlook, this mentality represents a problem, as believing that the other person will return can create a false sense of relief. “When they say that, you must recognize it as a lack of respect. It’s important to work on boundaries and self-love, so you know that you are not an easy person to replace,” says Jiménez.

The emotional impact of zombieing can vary depending on a person’s personality, self-esteem, and past experiences. “For some people, this can be very damaging on a psychological level,” says Sánchez. These recurrences can cause emotional turmoil, she adds.

“They may reopen emotional wounds and spark doubts about whether things could ever work again,” agrees Padilla. “Additionally, feelings of being a ‘plan B’ can erode self-esteem, deteriorating the perception of one’s personal value. Trust becomes harder to rebuild, as this behavior undermines confidence in future relationships and fosters fear of abandonment.”

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