‘Send me a DM’: How Instagram became the perfect place to flirt with the famous

Millions of people use dating apps to meet people, but it’s not so easy for celebrities to find partners through the usual suspects. Famous faces from Andy Cohen to Billy Eichner have been kicked off platforms after being flagged by other users who thought their profiles were fake. That’s why Raya, known as “Tinder for celebrities,” works for A-listers as an ideal place to flirt with the privacy they need — even screenshots are prohibited on the platform. Not that dealings on the app are conducted under ironclad secrecy. Ben Affleck went viral when he matched with Nivine Jay, a Los Angeles comic who thought she was dealing with a clear case of catfishing and unmatched with him, after which the actor sent her a video assuring her that there was no fraud afoot. Jay posted a clip to TikTok in which she talked about the situation, and included Affleck’s explanation. Of course, it was shared all over the internet. Nikki Glaser has told Gwyneth Paltrow on her podcast that Affleck’s profile pops up for her constantly on the app. Because contrary to Fight Club, the first rule of Raya is not that you don’t talk about it or what happens there, even when screenshots are verboten.

Celebrities who have not found what they’re looking for on Raya have decided to flirt like the rest of us mortals: on Instagram. Many couples have met through private messages on the social network. Although Dua Lipa is currently in the headlines for getting engaged to Callum Turner, her time with her former partner Anwar Hadid began on IG. When she appeared on the program Watch What Happens Live, host Andy Cohen asked her if she’d ever messaged another celebrity on Instagram. “I have a confession to make. Mine was my boyfriend’s,” she said. Mandy Moore and Taylor Goldsmith, Millie Bobby Brown and Jake Bongiovi, Dylan Sprouse and Barbara Palvin, Vanessa Hudgens and Cole Tucker, and Sarah Hyland and Wells Adams are some of the many famous couples who found love on Instagram. Carles Porch, vice president of global alliances for Instagram, told The New York Times that “DM is like a celebrity phone book.”

To access Raya, a user has to be accepted, and the exclusive app requires they pay a membership fee. Of course, the profiles that appear depend on the algorithm, while on Instagram, all you need is to send a message to try your luck. Elena Bule, director of communications at Meta, told EL PAÍS that despite everything, “Instagram is more of an app to connect with your friends and the subjects that interest people.” But according to her, private messages aren’t the best way to connect. “Some functions, like for example, comments on Stories, make it easier to connect with friends, start conversations quickly, and ‘nurture them’ through Stories. I suppose that although the majority of people use it primarily to connect with their friends, being able to leave comments on Stories can be a way to approach one’s crush through their everyday moments,” she says. “Only your followers can see what you comment on Stories, and only followers who you also follow (mutuals) can leave a comment, which makes it more private than a comment on a post, but less private than a DM. Same as on IG Stories, comments disappear after 24 hours, and you can activate or deactivate comments on any Story you publish. That can be a way to interact/flirt/share interests in a controlled environment of friends in common. You never know where and how that spark will happen, no?,” she adds.

Those on dating apps are looking to give love a chance, which is not always the case on Instagram, even if the social network is perfect for finding out about people’s relationship status, their lifestyle, and other aspects of their personality that dating apps are incapable of capturing.

The expression “slide into DMs” is part of pop culture thanks to rapper Yo Gotti, who in 2015 released the song Down in the DM. Musicians like Bad Bunny have also spoken about how they’ve used Instagram to flirt. The fact that the singer has confessed that, every once in a while, he reads all the messages he receives has led more than one person to try their luck and write to him.

Celebrity matchmaker Carmelia Ray told The New York Times that private messaging on Instagram is a common way for her clients take the first step. “A DM is the digital icebreaker,” she says. “I think the fact that there’s already been a precedent or history of celebrities admitting to using DMs, it turns it from taboo to trendy now.”

The Economist says that dating apps like Bumble and Tinder lost 17 million subscribers in the second trimester of 2024 and that their downloads dropped by 20%, numbers that reinforce the sense that we are growing bored with not finding love on apps designed precisely for that purpose. What’s more, a study released by data collection company Singles Reports indicates that nearly 80% of those surveyed have experienced fatigue and emotional exhaustion from using such apps. As a result, many people have decided to turn to other platforms to find love.

Dating coach Tiffany Baira has no doubts: “Instagram is the new dating app,” she told Business Insider. “What I am seeing when it comes to flirting is that it’s not that people are struggling with the actual conversation, it’s starting the conversation.” That’s where Instagram comes in, as a place where you can flirt by simply “hearting someone’s photo on their story” and where you can tell “if someone likes you if they’re the first one that sees your photo,” says Baira. Instagram’s 2023 trend report backs her up. “Gone are the days of endless swiping on dating apps,” it states. “No need to swipe left or right, DMs and messaging offer more transparent, honest and direct communication.” Love’s not necessarily in the air, or on Tinder — but perhaps it is on Instagram.

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