Individualism, cell phones and social fatigue: Why unexpected visitors are in danger of extinction

The ring of the doorbell when you’re not expecting anyone is, at the least, odd. Above all in big cities, where distances between homes can be long and the act of going to see someone implies a certain amount of preparation to traverse the town. In far-flung neighborhoods, the chance that someone was merely in the area is low and the sound of someone at the door is more commonly tied to the arrival of a delivery person or a letter carrier. Unexpected visits are getting less common, be they from friends, family members or neighbors who show up unannounced with the aim of having a little chat.

Such encounters happen often in small urban centers and rural areas where neighbors don’t just share walls, but also, in a certain way, their free time. A lack of new residents can lead to deeper personal relationships with one’s existing neighbors that aren’t limited to a simple “hello” and “goodbye,” as they are in larger-sized cities. In contrast, social relationships that develop in the neighborhoods of major metropolises, particularly those groupings of persons who are tied together by nothing more than the simple fact that they share space, are in danger of extinction. Such are the claims of some neighborhood associations that are bearing witness to a massive exodus of local populations, supplanted by temporary neighbors, inhabitants of tourist apartments in which they rent rooms or the entire apartment and spend a short amount of time in the city. Rent increases that have taken place in recent years, added to the impossibility of saving up enough to buy one’s own home, are transforming the urban social balance.

“A sense of community is not necessarily based on really getting to know one’s neighbors, nor becoming immersed in their lives, but rather, maintaining good relationships, which means avoiding conflict. While it’s true that big cities favor individualism and loneliness, they also protect intimacy, because they prevent one from forever living in view of everyone else, something that often happens in small communities. That is to say, they have their pros and cons,” Pedro Azara, architect and professor of aesthetics and art theory at the Polytechnic University of Catalonia, tells EL PAÍS. In this sense, not running into people you know on the street or expecting a neighbor or friend to show up at the front door isn’t necessarily an indication that the urbanite has become more self-absorbed, but rather, that the contemporary makeup of cities invites one to stand at a certain distance from people in order to maintain a sense of freedom. Becoming perturbed when someone visits you without warning has to do, in a certain way, with the feeling that one’s intimate moments have been exposed.

The idea of the neighborhood full of closely knit inhabitants, for the most part, is a thing of the past. Azara, who is also the author of the Spanish language book La ciudad de los días lejanos (The city of distant days, 2024), adds, “Today, neighborhoods in big cities are nothing more than a group of people who can come from very different universes, who co-exist without seeking each other out. That is to say, they’re not people who choose to spend time with each other, but rather, come across their neighbors by chance.” It’s worth mentioning that during the 1960s and 1970s, many big cities — like those in Spain — received considerable immigrant populations who purposefully settled into certain neighborhoods looking for both protection and an atmosphere conducive to building a sense of rootedness, for sharing customs. The legacy of this kind of community is clearly reflected in the peripheral areas of Madrid and Barcelona where, though they are more heterogenous today, still live a small percentage of older residents whose peer groups continue to be of similar origins, or at least, are migrants themselves.

Beyond the current state of affairs in big cities, there’s another important component when it comes to understanding the reason why unexpected visits have become an oddity. Without a doubt, technology has caused radical changes to social relationships. Communication has become immediate, thanks to cell phones and computers. There’s no need to be in physical contact with someone to show interest in how they’re doing. As a result, ethical codes have shifted, and not warning someone that you’d like to come by — whether you do so by text or phone call — is seen by many as intrusive behavior that shows disrespect for their time and space.

One last, relevant factor is that the frenetic pace of life in the big city means de facto constant contact with strangers. This can lead many individuals to a craving for solitude and to disconnect once they arrive home, their most intimate, inviolable space. This is especially true for those whose jobs involve constant social interactions with others. Such people can experience social hangovers, which can only be cured by a chance to recharge before a new day must be faced. As much as an unexpected visit is motivated by good intentions, sometimes it can be seen as a profound interruption of its host’s relaxation time.

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