Crushes: They’re not just for teens

In Spanish, the word cuelgue is defined by the Royal Spanish Academy as the “state of alienation produced by a drug or other causes” Among those other causes is the infatuation that one feels for another person — an apt summation for the disorienting effects that a crush can wreck on our wellbeing. “Crushes are uncommunicated, often unilateral attractions to an individual, generally viewed as a state of unfulfilled longing. They are typically attributed to young people, but recent research suggests that these experiences might be common among adults as well, including among those in committed relationships,” writes Canadian psychologist Lucia O’Sullivan of the University of New Brunswick in her study Loving you from afar: Attraction to others (“crushes”) among adults in exclusive relationships, communication, perceived outcomes, and expectations of future intimate involvement.

O’Sullivan states that, because young people tend to be more naïve about their sexuality, they see crushes as a step towards developing their skills in the world of intimacy. But in her study, she points out that adults can also experience crushes due to the pleasure that can be derived from attempts to reach a goal. “It’s linked to the brain’s reward system, potentially releasing dopamine when we fantasize about positive outcomes. This can temporarily boost mood and alleviate feelings of loneliness or longing,” clinical psychologist Sona Kaur tells Stylist.

“When we are getting to know someone we are attracted to, we can start to imagine the things we don’t actually know, because our brain loves making predictions. Sometimes, we begin to idealize the person and when we get to know them better, they disappoint us. In this sense, the real pleasure can be in the hunt. Still, if once we get to know the person on a deeper level, we see that we get along and share values, it can be the beginning of something very special that also brings us a lot of satisfaction on a more intimate level and is, above all, based on reality and not on conjecture,” Clara García Gorro, PhD in neuroscience and author of the Spanish-language book Cerebrote (Roca Editorial, 2024) tells EL PAÍS.

Tony Espigares, a mental wellbeing coach who specializes in meditation and neuroscience, agrees that crushes are about the journey, not the final destination. “It’s like a video game: the fun part is the mission, not the end goal,” he says. “That’s why we pour over their social media, analyze their messages, looking for clues in every action… The brain is hungry for future reward, not immediate certainties. The crazy thing is that often, when the mystery disappears and the story becomes more concrete, that initial spark is diluted. Do we like the person or do we like the game of figuring them out?”

Mature crushes and intermittent reinforcement

Adolescent crushes are rooted in the fear of rejection, and those who experience them can spend years trying to arouse the interest of their object of desire. In adulthood, crushes can be much more fleeting, particularly in the age of Tinder, in which sudden and intense waves of infatuation often stay confined to the digital universe.

“An adult crush is such an elusive creature, like a snow leopard or a rare bird that you know exists but never see,” writes The Guardian’s Shanti Nelson. “The anatomy of a midlife crush feels different than when I was younger. I’m less self-conscious and, surprisingly, more confident. I’m no longer consumed with incessant thoughts of: ‘Does he like me?’ ‘Does he think I’m pretty, or fat, or smart, or cool?’ ‘What will his friends think, or will his family like me?’ At 54, I find myself pondering more practical questions, like: ‘What Netflix series would we binge, and does he snore?’ ‘Does he enjoy going to bed as early as I do, and is he a good spooner?’ ‘Is he lactose intolerant?’ and ‘Is he caring for his ageing parents?’”

When our crush responds in kind, dopamine is released, but what happens when that interest they display is uneven? “Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is released, among other times, when something surprises us, for better or for worse. That’s why intermittent reinforcement can be addictive. It happens with those who sometimes pay attention to us or are affectionate, but in other moments withdraw their affection or ignore us. Our brain doesn’t understand what’s going on. And often, instead of setting limits and saying, ‘I don’t want this,’ we keep trying again and again, as if they were a slot machine. It is important to recognize what is happening to us while practicing self-compassion and not judging ourselves for having fallen into an unhealthy trap,” says García Gorro.

Hearts beating to the pulse of escapism

The hashtag #delusionship, which alludes to infatuations people feel towards those with whom they have no established relationship, has more than 20 million views on TikTok. Perhaps, this is a sign that in turbulent times, we often turn to escapism. Ami Bondia Raga, a specialist in motivation, emotional intelligence, digital trends and personal branding, doesn’t necessarily see this as a cause for concern. “When we start to age and become more set in our routines, it’s normal for people to feel certain emotions and imagine love stories. It’s like reading a novel or watching a movie: for a brief amount of time, they can feel certain things from another important phase of their lives. As long as they maintain control, this evasion can be a positive thing,” she says. “It’s important to consider if there are things in our lives that aren’t fulfilling us, and if we’re looking for the emotions we are lacking via this ‘delulu’ state of mind. Perhaps what we need is to add more rock ‘n’ roll to our lives: go out with friends, travel more, invest in self-care,” says the communications expert.

Espigares emphasizes that the difference between an adolescent and an adult is not we that feel less when we’re older, but that we think more before we act. “When dopamine comes into play, the prefrontal cortex (which regulates judgment) shuts down a bit, and the limbic system (which pertains to instinct) takes over. It doesn’t matter how many books you’ve read or how much therapy you’ve had. When you fall in love, the brain says, ‘Let’s do this like we’re 15 again.’ And there we are, sending three-minute audios that we shouldn’t be sending,” he says. “Love is beautiful, but it’s also a biochemical hack. Understanding that gives us power. It allows us to enjoy the magic without falling in its trap,” he says. Then he confesses, “I loved that game of falling in love, of conquering, of feeling the adrenaline of uncertainty. But it comes with a catch: you can create an unconscious addiction to that feeling, and without realizing why, none of your relationship end up working out for you. Because what you’re looking for is not love, but the thrill of pursuing it.”

Neuroscience and identity 3.0

Usually, adult crushes aren’t as intense as those of teenagers, who “lose their heads” because their prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making and impulse control, is still in the process of developing. However, it is not surprising that even those who left their adolescence behind years ago feel that same outburst of passion that characterizes young emotional obsession. “The prefrontal cortex is responsible for planning, reasoning and inhibiting inappropriate behavior and is the region of the brain that takes the longest to mature. But no matter how fully developed this region of the brain is, we are not immune to our emotions. In fact, they provide very important information, so it is not advisable to ignore them. Feeling the full range of emotions is part of the human experience,” says García Gorro.

Our online identities are made up of carefully selected images, curated to offer a specific public persona capable of generating an idealized virtual identity that can lead to others forming cyber crushes on our partially fictitious construct. “When we have a crush on someone, our reward system is activated and we release dopamine and oxytocin. This is when euphoria, obsession and anxiety that it is ‘normal’ to feel at the age of 15 is generated, but which apparently, at a certain age, becomes something that we do not know how to handle. However, with age we develop emotional intelligence, which helps us to regulate such situations. Social networks have made it more common to experience such things. Before, someone could notice a person on the bus and feel a mini-crush, but nowadays, people turn into FBI investigators when it comes to keeping tabs on their crushes’ stories and analyzing their lives,” says Bondia Raga.

“Idealized love has to do with unattainability,” she continues. “We only know a small part of that person’s life; the rest is filled in by the brain, so one’s crush winds up becoming even more idealized. It’s fun as long as you can control yourself, but if your life revolves around that person, you have to ask yourself what’s going on, make sense of your heart and as a mature person, seek self-regulation.”

Although it has become common for friends to jokingly dish about their crushes, pop culture shows how the crushes of youth are viewed with a certain tenderness, while the same behavior can garner some concern in adulthood. People smile when they see Milhouse pining for Lisa Simpson — but we have a somewhat different response to Gunther’s infatuation with Jennifer Aniston on Friends.

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