The risks of having high expectations: Mind your New Year’s resolutions

Frustration strikes for an infinite number of reasons. We expect others to behave in a certain way, or success in all our projects, but it doesn’t usually happen like that. When we feel disappointed, we must look for the reason in the way that our mind operates and how we create expectations without even realizing it. Expectations are mental projections, tight-fitting corsets with which we try to adjust reality; but reality does not conform to our desires or our fantasies. Our mind uses them as a powerful mechanism to get out of certain situations: dreams for the future, goals, New Year’s resolutions or the hopes with which we embark on a new romantic relationship. However, expectations are also the main cause of our frequent frustration.

No matter how much we want to have more money and how hard we work to get it, there will always be external factors, beyond our control, in the way to achieving it. It makes us uncomfortable when expectations do not match our desires: other people don’t act as we would like, we don’t get the recognition we seek, maybe there is bad weather on a special day. To avoid disappointment and enjoy what happens to us, we must change our focus. We need to stop going by expectations and cultivate our intention.

While expectations look outward, towards results, intentions are oriented towards ourselves and what we can achieve. The satisfaction we get is different if, instead of hoping for good weather on the day of a celebration, we set our intention to enjoy ourselves — regardless of the weather. Our emotions will also be different if, instead of expecting a person to change so that we feel good, we set our intention on understanding the other and not being affected by their responses. With this last approach, we will feel stronger and learn more.

Expectations look towards the future, towards longings or desires. Intention, however, is all present. It focuses on the resources we have and puts the energy into what is in our hands. Furthermore, any sustainable change over time, whether it is transforming something about ourselves or a certain situation, is more powerful if we replace expectations with intentions that lead us to action. If we base the first step on a dream, when things don’t go as we expect we can throw in the towel. In fact, much of the frustrations and difficulties that arise in personal relationships are due to the world of expectations. We have concocted a reality in our head that does not match what is actually happening, we get upset and think that the other person is the problem. However, when we orient ourselves towards intention, we seek our own responsibility, we find what we can learn and we do not fall into the tedious world of complaining.

The expectations we direct towards ourselves also have a high cost. Just as we tend to be demanding with others or with what surrounds us, we try to fit ourselves into an impossible corset. We expect our body to act in a certain way in all circumstances, or to be quick and smart in complicated situations. But we are what we are. Sometimes we can be brilliant; others, very clumsy. If we place this constant demand on ourselves, we also suffer, because we do not live up to what our imagination had assumed. Therefore, freeing ourselves from expectations and focusing on intention relieves us of impossible and unnecessary demands. We can cultivate the intention to be kind, to learn from each problem we face, without focusing on the final result. When we change our focus, we avoid the silent trap that prevents us from enjoying being who we are and keep growing.

John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” To this, we could add: while we are focusing on expectations, instead of on what we are and already have. On our intention.

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