Washington hotline, Trump calling Moscow

John Carlin takes a satirical look at how Putin might react if Donald Trump wins the US election

Matryoshka dolls painted with the faces of Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and other European leaders.
Matryoshka dolls painted with the faces of Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and other European leaders.SERGEI KARPUKHIN / REUTERS

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With a bit of luck, there are just a few hours left for us to imagine what a Donald Trump presidency might have looked like. Let’s not allow the opportunity to pass us by.

The day before Trump is sworn in, a freezing January day in Washington and Moscow, Vladimir Putin’s phone rings.

Putin: Donald! I recognized your number on my cellphone. How are you? And congratulations once again!

Trump: Thanks, Vlad! Appreciate it! Yeah, the witch is in jail and in a few days we’ll be sending her to the bonfire.

P. Good job Donald. She deserves it. But…how can I help you, comrade?

T. Well look, my dear Vlad, I’m a little embarrassed to admit it but…I don’t have anyone on my team who knows a damn thing about foreign policy. I need your help.

For Cuba, dear Donald, my advice is give us the go-ahead to install Russian nuclear missiles on the island

P. Anything you need, man! What are friends for?

T. Would you act as my adviser? Could I hire you as, say, a kind of national security adviser in the shadows?

P. Of course you can! I’d be happy to do that for you, and what’s more I wouldn’t charge you a rouble! Although perhaps you could build a Trump Tower in Moscow and give me 50% of the shares...

T. Don’t mention it Vlad. It’s a done deal. So, right, let’s get down to it. First, Cuba. They tell me that the goddamn black guy has started normalizing relations with the island. We gotta stop that!

P. That’s easy Donald. Hand Cuba over to me. It can be a Russian colony again.

T. Oh Vlad, would you really do that?

P. Yes, of course. You wouldn’t mind, I suppose, if along the way we took back Ukraine, Poland, Latvia, Estonia…

T. Of course not! They’re all yours!

P. NATO wouldn’t make things difficult for us?

T. From tomorrow on, my dear Vlad, NATO will no longer exist. That was one of the electoral promises you suggested I made, as I’m sure you’ll remember. But, speaking of electoral promises, I have another problem. The 3,000-kilometer wall I said I’d build along the Mexican border. It’s going to cost more than I thought…

P. I’ve got the answer to that. Look, the wall will be paid for by the tens of millions of Americans that have sought political asylum in Mexico since you won the election. But, in the meantime, I suggest we finally do what Kennedy stopped us from doing in 1962.

T. Kennedy? You mean the actor who played the priest in that fabulous Chuck Norris movie, Delta Force?

P. No, the president who was assassinated.

T. Ah, that sounds familiar. But don’t frighten me Vlad, goddammit, you know that I have enemies all over the place!

P. Don’t worry Donald. If you want to, fire all the secret service bodyguards who worked for the black guy and I’ll send you a crack KGB team in their place.

T. Oh you have no idea how grateful I’d be if you could!

P. Then it’s a deal. But, getting back to Cuba, my suggestion as your foreign policy adviser would be that you give us the go-ahead for the installation of Russian nuclear missiles on the island. We would not point them at the United States, of course, but at Mexico. And we would make it very, very clear to the Mexican government that if a single drug dealer or rapist crosses the border to your country, Mexico City will cease to exist.

T. I knew you were my guy Vlad! You’re a genius!

P. And as for Syria

T. Ah yes, that sounds familiar too. Syria borders with Russia, right?

P. Right. So, look, I suggest you pull out your military from the region, forget all about that mess, and let my air force pulverize Aleppo and wipe out all the inhabitants of the territories where the terrorists are.

T. But Vlad! That was my secret plan to finish off ISIS!

My dear Vlad, I don’t have anyone on my team who knows a damn thing about foreign policy

P. OK, OK. We’ll wipe them out together. But afterwards, you’ll have no problem, I suppose, if I set up a puppet government there under Assad.

T. Assad? Another goddamn Muslim I suppose?

P. Another goddamn Muslim, Donald, but my goddamn Muslim.

T. Done. I’ll give it to ya. Thanks so much for everything, Vlad. I’ll get back to you later for more advice.

P. You are more than welcome Donald. It is my pleasure. Until the next time.

T. Goodbye, Vlad. I think this might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

English version by Simon Hunter.

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