Sexually frustrated? What to do and how to manage erotic dissatisfaction, the worst dissatisfaction of all

I know of few people who are happy with their sex lives, and not just currently but in general. They give unfavorable reports of their working lives, sorry, their sex lives. Almost all of them would have liked to have more sex, with more people, to be more uninhibited, to not have had so many complexes about their bodies, which now, when looking at photos of their youth, they see as spectacular. A small minority, who have made the most of their sexuality, intone that they no longer can, although deep inside they yearn for more weight and depth in their relationships, because having sex is an activity that tires them out.

I see people in their 50s and 60s who don’t have partners and have little hope of finding one. Many think it’s too late for Tinder and quench their desire with Netflix or Pornhub instead. Still, it’s hard to silence their erotic inner voice, which reminds them of how little they do for their frustrated sex lives as time goes by. There are more middle-aged, and even young, sexless couples. They get along well and love each other, but the bed is used only for sleeping. They remain together, aware that every night is another missed opportunity, until, perhaps, one day they go to therapy to unravel the causes of this mysterious phenomenon.

Frustration. The dictionary defines it as the “impossibility of satisfying a need or desire. The feeling of sadness, disappointment and disillusionment that this impossibility causes.” We can feel frustrated in many areas of our lives (work, finances, family, relationships), but sexual dissatisfaction is the hardest, because it hurts the most to not be able to play and enjoy oneself, to have to be content to watch others from the sidelines. “I would say that there is more sexual frustration now than there was in our parents’ or grandparents’ day,” says Xud Zubieta, a clinical psychologist, sexologist and director of the Zubieta Center for Psychology and Sexology in Valencia, Spain. “Obviously, we have more freedom, but there is also more information, from a very early age and it’s not always well managed, which creates very high expectations. When we are unable to meet them, if the dissatisfaction is sustained over time, frustration sets in.”

Very few people see a sexologist because they feel sexually frustrated, but, as Miren Larrazabal, a clinical psychologist, sexologist and president of the International Society of Sexology Specialists, argues, “dissatisfaction and frustration are two emotions that usually go hand in hand and are difficult to treat in therapy because they also modify and alter the dysfunction.” In these cases, she continues, “there is also anxiety, which makes the approach not only sexual but also psychological. This is often the most complicated part, working on the emotional aspect of the dysfunction, which has a lot to do with low self-esteem or is rooted in a series of insecurities.”

According to Francisca Molero, a gynecologist, sexologist, director of the Ibero-American Institute of Sexology and president of the Spanish Federation of Sexology Societies, sexual dissatisfaction ends up affecting one’s sexual response. “One begins to control everything cognitively but during a sexual relationship we need less control, because otherwise we will stop feeling,” she argues. “By blocking the sexual response, we tend to perform compensatory maneuvers, which will only make the situation worse. One anticipates problems to avoid unwanted scenarios and premature attention, which is the number one enemy of pleasure.”

As Buddhists say, “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” In sexual matters, as in so many other areas, the most difficult thing is not dealing with a problem, but rather eliminating the drama that we have constructed around it over time. These days, not being able to find a partner is a common dissatisfaction that often leads to frustration, an anguish that increases over the years. After failed attempts at finding a mate, a person may even end up developing a certain aversion to the sex that they desire. At the same time, society has a host of clichés, insults and prejudice that it applies to the partner who never existed, from the “menopausal madwoman” to the “heteropatriarchal sexist.” There’s even the trope that many serial killers were lonely and failed in their sexual lives! Don’t laugh; there are a number of serious studies that link sexual frustration to violence, aggression and crime, including one published in the Journal of Criminal Justice in 2021.

“The lack of opportunity to be with another person or failed relationships trigger … anger, resentment and rancor. But rather than projecting all of this onto the other person, the smartest thing to do here is to be introspective,” Larrazabal notes. “It is essential to have a good relationship with oneself, to work on the personal self and not fill an existential void with a relationship that is not likely to work, because of our shortcomings,” says Zubieta.

Molero says that increasingly more people are adrift in the world of dating apps. “There is the idea that they work, that they allow you to meet a lot of people and that many people have found a partner there. So, awkwardness in this area already seems inexcusable. Even if sex is something relatively easy, it is also frustrating because it is not fulfilling sex, but rather [sex that] leaves a void. I always give them the same advice: go back to the analog world, use your social network, friends, who can introduce you to new people, or join groups where strangers do pleasurable activities together (hiking, dancing, sports).”

There is a no-fail recipe to stop worrying about something: take action and get busy. Even if we don’t see immediate results, knowing that we are addressing the problem immediately alleviates frustration. Silence, waiting for someone else to take the first step, abnegation or looking the other way will only feed dissatisfaction. That is apparent in couples in which one or both partners are dissatisfied with their sex life. They have no choice but to talk about it and reach an agreement or, if they cannot find solutions on their own, seek help.

Is gender neutrality among the top ten problems that frustrate us sexually? Larrazabal and Zubieta argue that reaching this state depends, above all, on an individual’s personality. Rigid, self-demanding people who tend to see the glass as half empty are likely to torment themselves if their expectations aren’t met. Without discarding the previous thesis, Molero believes that “gender stereotypes are still very much in effect. That’s why men are so obsessed…with their member’s functionality, because we still have the idea that an erection is directly related to masculinity. And that happens among both heterosexuals and homosexuals alike. However, the role of women is less obvious. If a woman has little desire or does not reach orgasm, she can disguise it. Women’s sexual function is not as directly tied to femininity as men[’s sexuality is linked to masculinity],” she says.

Of course, this isn’t a solution for female sexual frustration, since misunderstood equality between the sexes also imposes on them the responsibilities and traumas of the opposite sex. According to Zubieta, “women have become empowered, but they have also assumed male responsibilities. That creates new tasks to perform: being perfect, giving 100%, not being [allowed] to fail, always being ready.”

Larrazabal emphasizes that “in neoliberal society, the sexual response model is that men must always be in the mood and perform at their best. Meanwhile, women must enjoy themselves and be multi-orgasmic. The specter of female frustration is not enjoying sex as one should. That clashes with reality for many women, who do not fully understand their sexual response, as well as for some male partners, who do not know that … [a woman] requires more foreplay. ‘Why is it that I am with someone I like but I am not feeling the excitement that I should?’ That question torments most women and can lead to frustration. In this context, many people venture to try new relationships (polyamory, open relationships), not so much out of curiosity or the desire to experience new things, but rather as an attempt to make things work, and that’s not how it should be. “One shouldn’t resort to these models out of frustration with monogamy, but rather for the opportunity to visit other areas of pleasure,” Larrazabal says.

Rita Abundancia is a journalist and sexologist and the creator of the website RitaReport.net.

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