‘Gatsbying’: when people post content just to capture a specific someone’s interest

Adam Mosseri, CEO of Instagram, announced on June 4 that users who pay €2.99 per month will have access to Instagram Plus, a monthly subscription whose exclusive features include a search function that quickly shows you whether a specific person viewed a story. To understand why this feature exists you need to have once had a romantic interest among your followers — an ex, a lover or a crush. As one user puts it, “Posting stories without having a crush is like working without pay.” “POV: you’re so single you don’t even have to look for who watches your stories,” says another user. Two indisputable signs that posting content intended to hook a particular person is so common that Mosseri and his team have decided to capitalize on it.

Annie Joy Williams argues in The Atlantic that turning to this new feature represents rock bottom. “Drive yourself crazy for the low price of $3.99 a month!” reads the article’s lede. “Instagram Plus isn’t just a sign of what’s gone wrong with social media, but also with modern romance. The app has become a quintessential cog in the dating machine,” reads the article. “It provides yet another way to try to create narratives about one another, if mainly by providing meaningless data to back up our least logical hypotheses.” There is also a feature that lets you extend a story’s lifespan to 48 hours instead of the usual 24, in case that special person still hasn’t seen it, the writer notes.

Laura Beltrán, author of Cómo evitar que las redes te atrapen (How to prevent getting trapped by social media), says that while social media have added a new layer to relationships, how they affect them depends largely on how each person uses these tools. “I think the interesting thing is to observe that networks only amplify a process that is already part of human nature. Discovering someone is always conditioned by our own gaze. We don’t see the other person completely objectively; we interpret what we observe through our own thoughts, desires, fears, values and experiences. Today we meet people through more windows than ever before. Physical presence is joined by everything they show in the digital environment. But in both cases we keep building an image that only time can adjust toward reality,” she says.

The way relationships are built and maintained has changed profoundly as a result of the spread of social media. The available features allow users constant access to each others’ activity, which affects friendships and, of course, romantic relationships. The initial stage of attraction, which in the B.I. era (Before Instagram) was marked by progressive discovery and uncertainty, has lost much of its spontaneity as digital platforms offer a more calculated interaction based on parasocial dynamics.

Comments under the video in which Mosseri announces Instagram’s new features are overwhelmingly negative. “Now you can tell who is really a toxic psychopath among your contacts if you discover they use this paid Insta. You are encouraging users to become pathetic and turning the platform into a dating and harasser chat,” one user writes.

It’s not uncommon to post a story with a message or song aimed at a specific person, or even to post so-called thirst traps, which the Cambridge Dictionary defines as images or statements someone “intended to attract attention or make people who see it sexually interested in them.” Posting photos or content aimed at a particular person is called gatsbying. “It’s the behavior of publishing social media content indirectly targeted at a specific person with the goal of catching their attention, stirring jealousy or provoking an emotional reaction. The term comes from the main character in The Great Gatsby, who held lavish parties in the hope that Daisy would show up. Today, those parties have become Instagram stories, selfies, songs and carefully crafted posts meant for ‘that person’ to see,” explains the psychologist Lara Ferreiro in collaboration with Ashley Madison. “In therapy I see many people who are exhausted by these dynamics. They spend hours interpreting songs, stories or posts for issues that could likely be resolved by a five-minute conversation. Social media has given us new ways to communicate, but also new ways to avoid vulnerability. In the end, emotionally healthy relationships are built from clarity. Saying ‘I miss you,’ ‘I’m angry,’ or ‘you hurt me’ requires courage. Posting a hint takes far less effort but rarely brings the same connection or solution,” she says. Although there are memes poking fun at how women behave when their romantic interest doesn’t see their stories, a look at TikTok shows that men also use these tactics.

Many people who post a photo or content intended to attract someone’s attention feel they’ve wasted their time if that person hasn’t seen what they posted. That’s why Instagram Plus offers the option to extend a story for another 24 hours. Is it possible — without resorting to paid features that deepen the need for validation — to overcome that void? Beltrán answers.

“To discover what drives us to share content, it’s worth stopping and asking: what led me to post this? What was I needing at that moment? We share content for many reasons. Sometimes we want to express ourselves, connect, inspire, entertain or celebrate. Other times there may also be a need to be seen, recognized, loved or validated,” she says. She adds that real change comes when we learn to meet those needs autonomously. “Instead of waiting for the outside world to give us what we feel is missing, we start asking: how can I give myself that connection, recognition or affection? The more we develop that ability, the less we depend on the response we get on a screen to feel good,” she notes.

“I still catch myself sitting for minutes at a time rethinking a selfie to judge if it’s cute enough for my crush. I still find memes and immediately think, “He might find this funny.” But I’m working on stepping away from the phone and using my same thoughtfulness to foster something natural — something personal and less strategic, less manipulative. The movies make it seem fun to experience the highs and lows of falling for someone, even if they’re not the one meant to catch you. I now know there’s greater self-harm in trying to find love through a screen than IRL (in real life),” Aiyana Ishmael writes in an essay titled Trying to Get Your Crush’s Attention on Instagram Can Emotionally Break You.

Ferreiro warns that when someone likes another person it’s common to fall into a phenomenon called emotional apophenia, which consists of seeing patterns and meanings where there may be none. “We interpret that if they were the first to view our story it’s because they thought of us, or that if they send a heart at 11.00 pm it’s because they miss us. Reality is often much less romantic: many times they were bored, scrolling or simply interacting automatically,” she says. “The problem arises when we turn every notification into a thermometer of our self-worth or a proof of love. Then we enter a state of emotional hypervigilance, waiting on minimal signals that keep us on a roller coaster of hope and disappointment. I always say in therapy: a heart is not a declaration of love, a view is not interest and a ‘like’ is not a commitment. If someone is truly interested in you, sooner or later they will leave the screen and do something in real life. Because people who want to be in your life don’t just look at you; they come closer,” she warns.

Stories last 24 hours, or 48 if you have Instagram Plus. But anxiety can stretch far longer if someone lets their peace of mind depend on whether a crush sees and/or reacts to a particular piece of content. The interesting question, as Laura Beltrán points out, is to reflect on whether posting on social media is a strategy to try to satisfy a deeper need. If only getting clear answers cost just €2.99 a month…

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