Hiding partners from social media: Dramatic, strategic or a sign of freedom?

“The fastest year of my life. I only wish I had met you sooner. I love you always.” With this message, the signer, actress and centennial icon Dove Cameron celebrated her first year with the Italian singer Damiano David, a member of the successful rock group Maneskin. A declaration of love in service of the times, a romantic message accompanied by photos and videos of the couple that, to many followers, was far from overkill in this era of overexposure.

Brooklyn Beckham and Nicola Peltz also use any excuse to post about their relationship, following in the steps of the elder Beckhams, David and Victoria, who also have no qualms about sharing romantic messages online.

Selena Gomez, one of the queens of the digital realm with an Instagram account followed by more than 420 million users, doesn’t hesitate to detail the depths of her love for producer Benny Blanco, who also makes frequent references to her on his own social media accounts. In fact, their relationship was first confirmed when eagle-eyed Gomez fans noticed their amorous online interactions.

The virtual sphere is a perfect option for romantics looking to shout their love to the four winds. The practice, which may seem inoffensive, can also generate a certain amount of cringe among non-believers.

Mara Mariño, a journalist, writer and couple’s therapist at Bienquerese, says that nowadays, and especially among younger people, individuals can experience a certain amount of pressure when it comes to “debuting” one’s partner on social media. “Ever since, celebrities started using this method to confirm their relationships,” she says. “We’ve seen the rise of (a supposedly humorous) discourse in memes and videos that can lead one to believe that if your partner doesn’t do the same, it’s because they are deliberately hiding your existence. To stop ourselves from being taken by that kind of thinking, which can be more damaging than anything else and can lead us to sabotage our own relationship, it’s important to do the work of introspection to know if this is something we really want to do or if we’re just going along with everyone else.”

On the flip side, there are stars like Lana Del Rey, who recently wed with Jeremy Dufrene and does not post photos of him on her social media accounts, though she does share other aspects of her personal life with fans.

The couples who don’t exist on social media

Del Rey’s husband has the flamboyant profession of tour guide specializing in alligator boat journeys in the Louisiana swamps. Until recently, he was a total unknown. But after marrying the singer, his name made global headlines. The two said “I do” on September 26.

In August, when Lana Del Rey and Evan Winiker were spotted hand-in-hand backstage at the Reading and Leeds Festival, where the New York performer was performing, rumors about their relationship began circulating. Until then, there had been little speculation, as Del Rey had kept their romance entirely under wraps. She hadn’t posted about him, though a few tongue-wagging TikTok videos had surfaced — where anyone with a smartphone and little regard for privacy can spill secrets.

Del Rey and Winiker are far from the only famous couple who avoid public displays for their followers. Model Kaia Gerber and actor Austin Butler, together since 2021, also prefer privacy, as do Suki Waterhouse and Robert Pattinson, who have been a couple for six years, and Gigi Hadid and Bradley Cooper, who are nearing their first anniversary.

When it comes to couples, the decision to share — or not share — our romantic life with followers, no matter how many we have, can lead to a variety of dynamics. “Given the significance we place on social media today, it’s understandable that when your partner is part of your life, they might also become part of your virtual life. However, some people, for reasons like fear of the relationship failing and worrying about others’ opinions, or simply wanting to preserve their privacy or keep their options open, may choose not to go down that route,” explains María Magdalena Orosan, a Madrid-based psychologist and sexologist with Top Doctors.

“The relationship itself doesn’t depend on whether or not your partner appears in a photo,” she continues. “We all know couples who ooze romance on social media, but in real life, it’s a different story.”

According to Mariño, there are numerous reasons why someone active on social media might choose not to share content about their partner. “It could be due to many factos: the person may not want to make their personal life public, they might prefer to keep it separate from those outside their inner circle, the relationship could be new and they’re not ready to announce it, or perhaps their partner has set a boundary and they’re respecting it …”

The expert emphasizes that choosing not to showcase a relationship online “isn’t inherently negative, especially considering how important the debate around privacy has become in today’s hyper-exposed world.”

For those unsure about their partner’s stance on the matter, she recommends “having an open conversation to understand where your partner stands and their intentions.”

Orosan concurs: “This could be a good time to stop worrying about what others think and be honest with yourself and those around you, allowing yourself to go with the flow and listen to your feelings. It’s okay if you feel it’s not the right time to share, and it’s also fine if you post something and the relationship doesn’t last forever. Try to find a balance where both of you feel comfortable, focusing on communication and discussing your feelings to reach a mutual understanding.”

Disagreements over sharing couple photos online are just one of the many issues that social media can stir up in relationships. According to a May 2020 study by the Pew Research Center, 51% of respondents said their partner often gets distracted by their phone during conversations, and 40% are bothered by how much time their partner spends on their device, whether on social media or other apps.

More serious concerns include controlling a partner’s phone use, censoring what they post, or other forms of digital gender-based violence. Ultimately, the decision to share or not share aspects of a relationship online carries different meanings for each couple, and it’s crucial that they establish their own “digital accord.”

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