In the face of pain, we need to become aware that we are not alone

A famous Indian proverb says that one only possesses what one cannot lose in a shipwreck. The question is: what remains of oneself when everything has collapsed?

This is the question the coach and transpersonal therapist Alba Ferreté addresses in her book El naufragio sereno (The serene shipwreck), about the benefits that appear when our life falls apart. Such collapses leave us with no choice but to conquer new territories and open ourselves to unknown possibilities.

Situations that make us feel that we are drifting can include:

• An accident or illness —including psychological disorders— that limits us and reduces our quality of life.
• An economic situation that tears us out of our comfort zone, forcing us to rethink our day to day.
• A breakup or the loss of a loved one that leaves us experiencing loneliness and melancholy.

Any of these situations poses a serious challenge to those who are experiencing it. It is an unchosen journey, like Robinson Crusoe’s to his island, in which the first danger is victimization. Feeling that you are the victim of an injustice, while the rest continue with their lives, is to ignore the fact that everyone is shipwrecked sooner or later.

One of the classic examples from Buddhism to illustrate this is the teaching of the mustard seed. It is said that a woman went to see the Buddha with her dead son in her arms and desperately begged him to give her medicine to bring her child back to life. The enlightened man answered, “Okay, but first you must bring me a mustard seed from a house where no one has died.”

The woman ran to knock on the doors of the old village, but in every home where she asked someone had died. When she realized that she would never get that mustard seed, the message sank inside her: the world is full of immense, inevitable grief.

Understanding this, she buried her son, realizing that all of humanity shared her sadness.

In moments of great pain, being aware that we are not alone in our crisis, that thousands and millions of people are struggling to get out of their own shipwreck, gives us dimension as human beings. It allows us to better understand life.

The therapist Alba Ferreté points out four fundamental aspects to take into account when facing adversity:

• Understand that crises are cyclical and necessary. You can’t navigate through life without being shipwrecked from time to time.
• Taking advantage of the fact that the difficulty brings out our limiting beliefs about ourselves. As Warren Buffett said: “Only when the tide goes out do you discover who was swimming naked.”
• Identify the tools we have to experience the shipwreck. Many of them we will not know until life puts us to the test.
• Welcome the “new me” that emerges when the crisis ends to return to life with a different look.

With this wisdom, we can now answer the question: what can’t you lose in a shipwreck?

Each reader will find their own answers, but among them may be the purpose that guides your existence or your desire to live, beyond the obstacles to overcome.

Freud is credited with the phrase, “I have been a lucky man, nothing in my life has been easy.” The founder of psychoanalysis had to deal with misunderstanding, discrediting and Nazism, which forced him to flee to London as a sick old man. These tribulations allowed him to explore the human spirit, beginning with his own, through adversity. Had he lived a placid and predictable existence, his vision would have been much more limited.

Nietzsche said that what does not kill us makes us stronger. It should be added that it also makes us wiser. Surviving shipwrecks teaches us who we are and empowers us to help others.

Only those who know the abysses of suffering can fully empathize with those who are at the mercy of the elements, sharing tools that helped them to float until they start another life.

Perhaps the wisdom of the castaways is that, when it seems that it is the end, something new and exciting is beginning.

The right to be depressed

In her book, Ferreté quotes James Davies, the author of the book Sedated, who denounces that depression is demonized and treated with drugs because discouragement goes against productivity. Don’t we have the right to be depressed when we go through an existential shipwreck?

The tennis player Naomi Osaka withdrew from the circuit due to the anxiety caused by the pressure to win. She prioritized her mental health and told her story to Time magazine, which ran a cover with the headline: “It’s O.K. not to be O.K.”

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