The elephant in the room: Strategies for facing fears and insecurities

n 1814, a Russian fabulist, Ivan Andreevich Krylov, wrote a story that told of a man touring a museum who noticed all the tiny objects on display but not the big elephant in the room. This fable may have created the expression “the elephant in the room” to mean something that is obvious to an outside observer that a person closer to it does not recognize. It can also refer to times when we feel uncomfortable with a person or situation and avoid talking about it; or when we are going through a difficult period but refuse to admit it.

Repeated problems that go unmentioned end up accumulating and take a toll on us. We might avoid them out of fear, shame or inability to deal with them. But denying an issue has many undesirable consequences, as a recent study of 12,259 people in Canada has shown. According to that research, there are two strategies for dealing with problems: ignoring our negative emotions or giving ourselves permission to feel them. Interestingly, those in the first group, the “avoiders,” feel less prepared to deal with change and are more likely to avoid conflict and experience failure, rejection or disappointment than those who allow themselves to feel their pain. It seems that “avoiding” our emotions neither helps our mental health nor better prepares us for the unexpected.

Silence about problems can also be a shared issue and has consequences for all involved. Some examples of mutually ignoring the elephant in the room: a couple whose love has faded away but neither partner tries to address the uncomfortable situation or friends who do not openly talk about an illness one of them has during a visit. In the world of work, many organizations are hotbeds of festering but undiscussed issues. Meetings in which employees try to find solutions without anyone talking about the underlying problem, the boss that no one can stand, a strategy that everyone questions or an unsuccessful merger are all examples of problems that go unaddressed in everyday business life. Avoiding the matter, talking in circles around it or using elegant euphemisms to discuss it only makes the situation worse. So, how does one deal with the elephant in the room?

When addressing a shared problem, we need to confirm that it really is an unaddressed issue first. It is advisable to gather and assess information before dealing with it. Once we believe we are dealing with the situation at hand, the issue should be broached carefully; be subtle. After all, there is a reason an issue has gone undiscussed. As we have mentioned, it usually happens out of fear of the consequences or embarrassment or because one is not in the practice of bringing up difficult issues. Thus, one possible strategy is to use questions that promote reflection: “If someone were to see this relationship or meeting from the outside, what would they say?” In other situations, it is advisable to explore what is preventing an open discussion of the problem. For example, you might probe the paralyzing fear that is keeping you from talking about an issue that everyone is concerned about but nobody dares to address. Or you might use gentle humor to lessen embarrassment. Finally, any conversation that involves taking on the elephant in the room requires finding the right moment and creating a safe space to do so. No one will discuss a problem—whether it involves friends, family or coworkers—if it will have unpleasant consequences later.

If we are confronting our own personal elephant in the room, again the first step is to recognize it. We need to be very honest with ourselves and learn to keep what’s happening to us in perspective. Sometimes we think that we are the only one who experiences a given problem, whether in our relationship, with our children or at work. Sharing it openly with someone we trust helps us to gain some distance from the issue. Likewise, if our mind has become adept at denying reality, it is worth observing indirect signs of a problem. For instance, if Sundays are always our worst day, we might ask ourselves if we’re really comfortable with what we do. If we are experiencing a lot of stress or feeling dissatisfied with our lives, we can begin to analyze what it is that we don’t want to see. Input from close friends can also help us to figure out what is happening to us.

As in Andreevich’s fable, no matter how hard we try to look at minute details to explain our discomfort, until we directly face the elephant in the room, we cannot move forward. Ultimately, these situations are an invitation to continue learning; the first step is to recognize them.

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