‘Mom, I’m a lesbian’: How to talk to teenagers about their sexual orientation

Every parent of an LGBTQ+ teenager wants the same thing for their child: visibility, normalization and safety from stigma, discrimination and harassment. Though it may not be possible to protect them from prejudice in the outside world, maintaining healthy communication at home is essential to their development. “Building environments and social contexts in which young people can express their orientation and gender identity safely, and without fear of rejection or discrimination, is fundamental to protect their identity and development,” says You Make A Difference Against Discrimination, the parents’ guide created by the Family Association for Diversity and the Andalusia Rainbow Federation. It includes guidelines and recommendations for how to act when a child first communicates their sexual orientation or gender identity.

The lack of a safe environment can damage teens’ mental health. According to a study published in December by the ANAR Foundation, members of the LGBTQ+ community who are minors face a higher risk of suicidal ideation and suicide attempt, due to discrimination and exclusion. “When parents deny their children’s sexual orientation, the children, in addition to cutting off communication with their parents, can develop anxiety and depression symptoms because they don’t feel accepted in their family. They need to be accepted freely, because that liberates them and removes tension, and they no longer feel guilty,” advises Diana Sánchez Sánchez, psychologist, sexology instructor and member of the College of Psychologists of Madrid.

Parents should know that sexual orientation includes a wide range of possibilities. Their children can feel attracted to people of a different sex, making them heterosexual; to people of the same gender, which would lead them to identify as gay, in the case of men, or lesbian, in the case of women; or to people of all genders, in which case they may identify as bisexual or pansexual. “Young people start to recognize that they feel attracted to other people at around 12 years old. But that attraction doesn’t have to do just with the physical and sexual. They can feel attraction in many ways: romantic, emotional, intellectual. That is, they can be attracted to people in different ways,” clarifies Lola Martín Romero, sociologist, sexologist and sex education expert.

A topic that can causes conflict

How should parents discuss the topic with their family? “Sexual orientation is an issue that can cause conflict in families, but depending on how it is managed, the adolescent can be empowered or it can lead to a dangerous situation,” says the clinical child psychologist Antonio Ortuño Terriza. The family therapist just completed a study at the University of Deusto with 700 parents, in which he researched a new family intervention methodology centered on positive parenting to reduce conflict. Ortuño attempts to demonstrate the hypothesis that when family conflicts are poorly managed, minors tend to be more easily influenced outside of the home and take more irresponsible decisions. For the positive resolution of those conflicts, according to the expert, parents have to fulfill two main functions: “Always be very welcoming to their children’s emotions, and, at the same time, be consistent so that they can encourage their children’s sense of responsibility.”

It is important to recognize that before speaking openly about their sexual orientation with their parents, teenagers tend to go through an exploration phase. “They always test their parents to find out what their predisposition is. For example, when there is a new story on the television about the issue, or when their parents talk about it with others, they watch and listen to hear how they position themselves, what their ideas are, if they are in favor of those kinds of situations or not. When, in that phase, the indicators suggest rejection, the process gets longer and more difficult,” Ortuño explains.

Keys to healthy conversations

When a teenager observes that they may have family support and decides to speak openly, parents should follow three steps, as Ortuño notes: “Being empathetic and paying attention to their children’s emotions, with phrases like ‘I can see you’re anxious and worried,’ or ‘I understand that it’s not easy for you to express’; listen, more than giving advice; and let them express themselves because they have a lot to say and they have spent a long time thinking about how to say it. And the third step is to always show trust and respect around sexual identity, because, ultimately, children will do whatever they want with respect to their orientation.”

When it comes time to discuss it with the family, the sociologist recognizes that language can be an obstacle. “Sometimes families feel blocked because they don’t use the same language as their children.” In that case, she recommends that “parents ask, don’t be surprised by the children’s responses and never make value judgments.” Additionally, he advises parents to avoid certain attitudes: “When they talk about a sexual orientation that the parents are not accustomed to, they should not say that it is a trend and that it will pass, because people do not identify in a certain way because of a trend, even though from outside it may seem so. And they should not ask intimate questions, even though they should make it clear that when the children want to talk about that topic, they can do so with their parents.”

The psychologist Diana Sánchez adds that “parents should avoid homophobic and sexist comments, such as ‘Girls should have a boyfriend and children,’ and they should use a neutral language, like talking about a partner or a person instead of a girl or boy.”

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