‘Banksying’: The toxic trend of deliberately letting a relationship slowly die

Technology, whether through social media or dating apps, has created an entire dictionary of toxic trends in romantic relationships. Now many behaviors that define the quality of relationships are being named —behaviors that affect how we find love, how we experience it, and, of course, how it ends.

Ghosting, for example, which means disappearing and leaving someone without any prior warning or explanation, is one of those violent ways to end a relationship. Criqueting is another cruel way to show disinterest, consisting of leaving the other person’s WhatsApp messages unread for hours, days, or even weeks. Curving is a similar trend, but somewhat less aggressive, since messages are replied to — but only with monosyllables or curt words, another way of showing indifference without saying it openly.

There is another trend that is shaping up to be one of the most toxic of all — and it happens face to face: banksying, a type of behavior that develops slowly, matures, and ends in the inevitable breakup of the couple.

This term comes from the name of the British artist Banksy, famous for his provocative works in unexpected places, whose uniqueness comes, on one hand, from his critical and decadent view of society and, on the other, because his works slowly fade away and crumble until they self-destruct. Thus, the so-called “banksying” refers to the slow but deliberate death of a romantic relationship, without one of the partners being aware of the process until the very end.

“Breaking up a relationship is still socially considered a bad thing, and it’s not in good taste to become the executioner who ends the relationship,” explains Raúl Padilla, a psychologist, sexologist, and couples therapist.

Sometimes, not even romantic relationships that begin with passion, romance, and hopes for a stable, long-lasting commitment are spared from ending in a breakup. Often there is a point of no return where the curtain falls slowly, without one of the partners even realizing it.

“When one of the two members begins to feel deeply dissatisfied in the relationship, feelings aren’t the same, or the bond becomes more fraternal, these are signs that things are no longer working as a couple,” says Padilla.

While every couple is unique, there are common reasons why one partner decides to let the relationship slowly die or engage in banksying. “It’s often because the other person is very emotionally and financially dependent on the other,” says María Moragón, a psychologist specializing in relationships and family relationships. “They tend to drag out the relationship to force the other person to decide to break up.”

In fact, a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, titled Terminal Decline of Satisfaction in Romantic Relationships, explains that the decline of a relationship happens in two phases: the initial pre-terminal phase, which can last several years, and the terminal phase, which can last from seven to 28 months.

“The duration depends on each person’s emotional endurance limits and can indeed last for years,” says Teresa Pousada, a psychologist specializing in emotional disorders. Pousada, who is also a family therapist, points out that the person practicing banksying may not know how to handle conflict or lack communication skills. “They fear the other person’s suffering and tend to get into circular arguments that go nowhere, and they can continue doing this for years,” she says.

On the other hand, the study describes how both partners experience the transition phase differently. “The victim of banksying often feels anxious because they know something has changed, but they don’t know what to do, so their anxiety can increase due to the need to understand,” says Pousada. “Over time, their mood declines and they begin to experience low self-esteem due to the lack of communication, not knowing if it’s their fault and if they could do anything to get their partner to change their behavior.”

“There are people who are unable to make decisions, so they let the other person take the lead, no matter what happens or how much time passes,” says Moragón. She adds: “The fear of being alone is often another reason, which is why many people who engage in banksying chain relationships together, and even overlap them, until the old one dies due to their inability to be alone.”

Routine or laziness also stand out as main reasons for the stagnation in a doomed romantic relationship. “A person might continue out of inertia or maintain a constant path in the relationship unless some force acts upon them, so they prefer to let it starve to death rather than cut it short,” explains Padilla.

The idea of an internal breakup beforehand — feeling desire fade and the initial connection erode — can lead to an exit that seems sudden but is, in reality, well considered. “Coming to the conclusion that the relationship is no longer viable and that it’s better to break up often entails a decision-making process that can go through different phases, similar to those of grief, which is why the relationship drags on over time,” says Juan Carlos Tomás del Río, founding psychologist and couples therapist at ACIMUT Applied Psychology.

For this reason, many people decide to leave a relationship emotionally and psychologically before openly communicating this shift. “Some people grieve before breaking up, as it’s generally a decision that affects many areas of their life and brings with it unpleasant emotions such as sadness or grief,” the psychologist continues.

Any breakup has negative psychological effects, both for the person who decides to end it and for the one on the receiving end. The study Attachment and Breakup Distress, published by academic publisher Sage in October 2023, found that breakups can impact mental health and cause various psychological symptoms such as anxiety and depression.

However, banksying, as a way of leaving the other person without openly saying so, produces even more complex psychological effects. “The person may feel irritable, disoriented, lose self-esteem, and even struggle to restore the relationship, thinking that the fault lies with them,” argues Padilla. And if the situation drags on, the consequences can be even worse: “Triangulation can begin [when one partner migrates emotionally or sexually to another person], which increases insecurity and pathologies such as jealousy, but driven by real events.”

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