How to master the fine art of sexting

Manuela, who is now 31 years old, was in a long-distance relationship with a man named Alejandro for four years. During that time, they were able to keep the passion and desire alive between their homes in Barcelona and Bogotá thanks to long and intense sessions of what we call sexting. For those who, in 2024, are still unaware of this fine art, it “consists of producing and sending content, primarily messages, photographs and videos, of a sexual or erotic nature, completely voluntarily and privately to another person, using a smartphone or other technological device,” explains Laura Cuesta, professor of digital strategy and social media at Madrid’s Camilo José Cela University. But it’s possible for sexting to be much more than that. A good sexting session, says those who practice it, should never be free of quality narrative. “Using a little imagination and pushing yourself to describe desires and fantasies to the other person makes the difference between the pure and simple exchange of images and sexting understood in a broader sense,” says Manuela.

These sessions between her and Alejandro, who, like the other sexters consulted for this article, declined to give their real names, always began with the same ask: “What are you wearing?” That was the starting point for very explicit photos, videos and paragraphs of text on what they imagined doing to the other when they were together again, a way to pass the time until everything they were conjuring could become reality. The conversations usually kept Alejandro awake on the other side of the world, and distracted Manuela during her university classes. “I remember there was a time when I couldn’t go a day without having virtual sex with him. I was so turned on by the fact that I had the power to make him horny from a distance with just a photo,” she says. “First I’d kiss you on the neck, and from there, I’d start to go down your back with my tongue,” sighs one of the messages that they exchanged.

Jimena, who is 29 years old, says she is a sexting fanatic. She has no boundaries when it comes to sex. “The only rule is that both parties must feel comfortable. There has to be a lot of trust and intimacy. I always try to hide my face and tattoos in the photos I send. Also, I make sure my partner also sends me intimate photos. Manuela agrees, and adds, “I love to do it as foreplay. It revs up your desire and when it finally comes time to meet up, it makes it more exciting,” she says. The two women often pair their sexting sessions with their partners with sex toys to reach climax.

Educator Mónica Ojeda Pérez has carried out a Spanish language study of the phenomenon whose title, translated to English, is On sexting, the exchange of sexual content through the internet during adolescence, that concludes that sexting has positive consequences for long-distance relationships and help to strengthen passion. But, as anything else, it depends on how you use it. It’s important to be conscious of how easy it is to share such content. The possibility of it being seen by other people is what sets off alarm bells when it comes to these practices, which are considered risky.

Alicia, who is 28 years old, says that for her, sexting is a game that has to have three ingredients: trust, motivation and desire. A lot of desire. “It’s getting easier and easier to sext with someone because there are less and less taboos. Also, there are a ton of applications now that allow you to do it safely. For me, the matter of security is an issue,” she says. Ana uses tools like Telegram and Facebook Messenger, which have an option to send messages that self-destruct five seconds after being red and images that can only be seen once. Recently, social media platforms like WhatsApp have incorporated a function to share ephemeral photos and videos that are erased from the other telephone when the receiving party sees them. That partially eliminates the risk of sharing from the app, though it does not preclude the other person from taking screenshots.

Spain is one of the countries in which sexting is most popular, according to a study carried out by Pantallas Amigas (an internet safety organization whose name means Friendly Screens in English). “Though the practice does not differ between sexes, it seems that men are much more active than women when it comes to sending photos, at a ratio of four to one,” states the report. The reason, experts explain, is that there is a “sexual double standard”. This means that the same sexting behavior is judged much more harshly when it is practiced by women as compared to men.

Twenty-nine-year-old Daniel says that for him, sex is freedom and it has no limits. “I don’t mind sending anything. I’m proud to do it. Although, I always try to not be invasive.” During his six-year relationship with Maura, he says that his favorite thing was when he was at work and she sent him an intimate photo. “That mental aspect of sex and stimulation was really good for our sex life,” he says. Alex says the same thing. The 28-year-old thinks sexting is essential in relationships, more so if they are long-distance. “You get to know yourself better on a sexual level, you create more confidence, desire, new stimulation and many times, you dare to say or ask for things that would embarrass you in person.” None of the men interviewed for this article considered it important to hide their faces in the photos they sent.

For psychologist and director of Bandaria Psicología, Aída López Gómez, sexting can be a very interesting practice within a relationship if both people feel comfortable doing it. “It can positively influence the libido and help them to enjoy communication about sexual and affective needs,” she says. “Erotically charged messages can act as stress relief, they help to build up confidence between the couple and the link serves as part of the preliminaries for sexual contact. It favors disinhibition.” Nonetheless, the expert warns that sexting has its drawbacks and can lead to risky situations. According to an analysis published at the end of February by the magazine JAMA Pediatrics, a considerable number of young people under the age of 18 participate or have participated in sexting practices at some point; specifically, one in every seven (15%) have sent sensitive material and one in every four (27%) have received such content.

Revenge porn: from Olvido Hormigos to the Iveco case

When material that is shared while sexting is resent or shared without the victim’s consent in an intent to damage their reputation, it’s called revenge porn. Unlike countries such as Spain, Canada, Germany, Italy, Sinapore, and the United Kingdom, the United States has yet to pass federal laws against such violations, though many states have done so.

Spanish lawyer Marisa Herrero-Tejedor Albert, who is a partner at AVERUM Abogados, says that in Spain, the case that marked the turning point in such legislation was that of television personality Olvido Hormigos, whose former partner shared one of her intimate videos. “Hormigos reported him, but the case was delayed until the following year because the law at the time said that the recording had to have been obtained illicitly and she had sent it to him willingly. Still, this created a before and after. In 2015, the penal code was changed due to this case, and expanded to include unauthorized sharing of intimate images, even when they were initially obtained with the consent of the affected person,” says the lawyer. The 2019 case of vehicle manufacturer Iveco, in which Verónica, a 32-year-old woman and mother of two children, committed suicide after her intimate video was shared with more than 200 of her coworkers at the firm, moved the Spanish public. At that time, there was a general outcry for harsher punishments because, as activists explained, the impact of such violations can be quite serious. Although it’s hard to believe, the case was filed and Iveco didn’t even conduct an internal investigation. With its human resources department refusing to comment publicly or apply its sexual abuse protocol to the situation, the company abandoned the victim and looked the other way when it came to a crime involving 200 of its employees. Every one of them had shared the intimate images of the dead woman without her consent.

When Manuela and Alejandro broke up, she asked him to delete everything he had received from her on his smartphone. “I know he didn’t do it, and sometimes it scares me what could happen if his phone gets stolen and they do something with my photos. I trust him, but you never know,” she says.

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