Overcoming coitocentrism: How penetrative sex is losing ground

Is having non-penetrative sex really having sex? The question has been posed by various sexologists over the last decade. Their answer has largely been “no,” says sexuality expert and psychologist Alberto Álamo. Still, he says that “in recent years, the women’s pleasure revolution that has accompanied the feminist movement, through the popularization of sex toys like clitoris suckers, have put women’s pleasure up for discussion. In turn, this has generated debate over whether coitus provides the most satisfaction for women when it comes to sex.” The concept of pleasure among younger generations is becoming wider and wider. “For them, sexual relations go much beyond genitals, penetration and orgasm,” says sexologist Almudena M. Ferrer. Coitocentrism has become passé.

Series like Sex and the City taught an entire generation of women that what really matters when it comes to a sexual encounter with a man is whether there is penetration and, of course, whether the act ends with one or more orgasms. It’s as if the thing were choreographed: one wrong move and its performers risk getting pulled offstage. On screen, this was represented though a couple of kisses as the scene began, followed by a shot in which two bodies merge between the sheets. To conclude, a shot of toes pointing in ecstasy, the viewer’s sign that the moment had come to a satisfactory conclusion.

After such a scene, the four friends would discuss how the night went. “But did you do it? Did you come?” If the response to the two questions was not in the affirmative, the sex in question was a failure. “Movies and series have taught us that this is how sex works, and we’ve replicated it in our relationships,” says Álamo, who has nonetheless seen signs that this is changing — despite the fact that in many ways, our behavior in the bedroom has been largely unchanged for centuries, and that for many, it would seem that without coitus, there is no sexual satisfaction.

For sexologist Ana Lombardía, who has been a sex and couples therapist for more than 10 years, it was when we began to speak about the clitoris and in so doing, its pleasure, that we began to question the way in which we relate to our partners sexually. “There has been a revolution in female pleasure, and that has brought to light the fact that coitocentrism is not the beginning and end, because penetration is not what sparks the most pleasure among women.” In fact, only 25% of women have vaginal orgasms without direct stimulation to the clitoris. And, though Freud would have classified these women as “frigid and immature,” “the discovery of the clitoris has painted a picture of a different kind of female sexuality, many times more independent and much more pleasurable,” says Lombardia.

Traditionally, women will be penetrated before they even dare to masturbate. “The most common practice among women in sex is vaginal penetration (74.6%), which is even more common than self-stimulation (66.5%),” finds a 2020 study by Spain’s Women’s Institute.

Spanish sexologist and sociologist Norma Ageitos Urain says that the problem even stems from the way we talk about what we do before penetration. “The word ‘foreplay’ means that which takes place before the main event, which is coitus. By using that term, we diminish the importance of everything that comes first, as if a sexual relation was not complete until the penis enters the vagina.” Ageitos offers the example of a restaurant menu, making an analogy of deciding between only eating an entrée, or considering an entire list of offerings between which one can choose to generate pleasure for both parties who are involved in an act. “The important thing is having a sexual education in which we know that desire and pleasure are what matter, not arriving at a goal through a ritual.”

The sexologist explains that within non-heterosexual relations, genitals, arousal and even in many cases, orgasms don’t necessarily form part of sex. “One looks for other sensations beyond phallocentrism,” Ageitos says. There is data to back up this approach. “Heterosexual women are the group who achieve the fewest number of orgasms, and only 65% of their sexual relations involve climax. In contrast, heterosexual men achieve the most, with an orgasm percentage of 95%, then gay men (89%), bisexual men (88%), lesbians (86%), and bisexual women (66%).” This, according to a study on orgasm frequency carried out by various U.S. universities and published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

Pleasure beyond phallocentrism

In the eyes of sociologist Cecilia Bizzotto, we live in a coitocentric society. “We believe that all sex goes through the genitals and this has produced a terminal sexuality. If there is no orgasm, the sex is bad, it’s not over until one of the two participants climaxes, usually the man.”

Bizotto presented 195 people with a survey in which they were asked about their primary sexual fantasies or sexual goals for 2024. It found surprising results. From more than a dozen options, including sensual games, new positions and BDSM, the most popular options were group sex and exploring sex beyond coitus. So, the drive is there.

But there are still many roadblocks along the way. According to experts, coitocentrism has always been bolstered by religion. “Virginity is an understanding of sexuality that is focused on genitals, and bears the weight of many factors, with all the moral judgement they imply,” says Álamo, who argues that the only difference between penetration and other sexual practices is that the former carries with it the risk of pregnancy.

Some things are changing, however. Álamo says that “the younger generations will be having sexual relations filled with experiences that do not focus on penetration.” Ferrar agrees, and has noticed that there is a trend towards speaking more openly about sexuality, and leaving the conventional behind. “We are becoming more and more conscious of the damage that coitocentrism does and we are taking the reins of our own pleasure.” Ferrar believes that the day will come in which people no longer ask: did you have sex, or just foreplay? And when that day comes, so too will the understanding that sex is as broad as our way of understanding relationships.

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