Four sexual resolutions for 2024

Unlike the animal kingdom, for humans sex revolves much more around culture and society than around instinct. And if we don’t want that basic impulse to be stifled by a heap of mundane affairs, we must strengthen it, devote some time to it and find spaces for it.

The following are some sexual tasks for 2024 that, I think, can help improve certain shortcomings most of us can relate to.

Take more time for sex and relationships

It occurs to me that one definition of an elegant person is someone with plenty of time. Those who practice some type of partners dance know that, while beginners rush to do the different moves without missing a beat, good dancers not only have time to execute the steps; they smile and flaunt their style while they do it, too. It would seem like the minutes and seconds were longer for them; they are at ease, certain that the clock is an ally, not an enemy. Time is relative. It all depends on how one manages it. Time is fundamental for practically everything, and this includes sexual matters. I’m not just talking about how long one lasts in bed, but also how one carries oneself prior to that — from the moment we meet someone we are attracted to, until we find ourselves together in a horizontal position.

Just like the unskilled dancer, inexperienced lovers will entangle themselves in a crazy race against the clock to achieve their goal and, time not being enough, they will start making mistakes. They will not bother to invest hours and days in getting to know the other: they will pounce on their prey at the least appropriate moment and, if things don’t go well the first time, they will make no further attempts, feeling like clumsy failures. Or, on the contrary, they will blame their object of desire, suddenly a world apart, in the universe of insubstantial things.

Don’t take me wrong. I’m not suggesting we go back to the olden days when wooing a lady or being courted by a gentleman could take months or even years. But I have noticed that the way of approaching a relationship is gaining speed, acquiring a centrifugal force. So many things have to be done in so little time, and nothing good can come out of this equation. Immediacy is the enemy of quality.

I am sure that many couples, relationships, affairs and even one-night stands fail due to a lack of time. No time was taken to delve deeper into the other, to treat them as they deserved, to wait for them, to surprise them, to devise a perfect strategy and muse about it, dream about it, savor it from a distance, to then confirm if in reality things are sweeter, sourer or saltier than we expected. Many may say: “I just don’t have time for all that.” To them, I would answer that, just like in dancing, we need to keep practicing until time starts moving slower and we are able to take our time. In that sense, more than wasting time, we are actually gaining it.

See people, not ideological stereotypes

Many will find it difficult to acknowledge that in recent years male-female relationships have become quite cloudy. The concept MAN and the concept WOMAN — like that, in capital letters — seem to be going through a period of discord. Men complain, not without some reason, of being demonized by society, and that the sexism and misogyny of a few has tarnished the reputation of them all. Testosterone, that hormone that is so necessary for both sexes, responsible among other things for desire, mood, muscle and bones, is going through its lowest hours.

When we meet someone we don’t know well, we inevitably experience all the clichés that surround this kind of situation. The man, educated in the domain of the male, will fall into some form of micro-machismo, in the best of cases. The woman, eternally angry, has denounced the patriarchal dictatorship; however, deep down, what she wants is to establish a matriarchy. Being a sexologist, many male acquaintances end up telling me that they are afraid to go out with women, that they are very empowered, that they don’t let anything slide and that if something happens, the law will always be on their side. Female comments are more varied and fall into two categories. Usually, mature women denounce the sexism that still prevails, complain that there are no more available men and, then, as a 55-year-old friend told me, hope “to find one who sweeps me off my feet.” The youngest girls, however, complain that guys no longer take action and they are the ones who must make the first move. My advice is always the same: we must try to detach ourselves from these cultural-ideological clichés and get to know the people behind them. One can find truly fascinating people beneath the surface.

Set up spaces and times for sex

If we schedule work, time with friends or family and vacations, why is it so difficult for us to schedule dates or sexual encounters? The answer is that many people associate sex and pleasure with spontaneity, randomness, irrationality; with the realm of emotions, which is exempt from rules and schedules. Surely they think about that time they met someone in a bar and ended up having the best sex of their lives. “Meh. These things never go well when you plan them,” whispers in our ears that little puritan devil who mocks our efforts to turn part of our lives into an X-rated movie.

Maybe we should acknowledge that if our sexual dimension is not as buoyant as we would like, it is probably because we do not invest time in it, leaving it to chance or at the bottom of our list, after work, responsibility, social or family interaction, or even hours in front of the television and on social media. We do not fertilize it nor water it, and then, when we want it, we demand maximum performance.

A good exercise for this new year is to choose one sexual task a week (whether you are with somebody or alone). Something fun, surprising, different. Maybe playing hide-and-seek somewhere in the city until you find each other, or going to the countryside for a picnic with a happy ending... Just let your imagination fly and ignore the little devil who tells you that you are corny, a perv or too old for those things. Deep down, that devil is just jealous.

If you want to find a partner, become the best candidate

Paradoxically, as the number and variety of dating apps grows, it becomes harder and harder to find a partner. So many people available and looking, and so many single people seeing their hopes collapse with each passing day! The problem is that when we look for something, our energies are focused on finding, selecting the best candidates, coming across that person who will meet our expectations. In other words, on everything except ourselves. Meanwhile, we pay little attention to whether what we offer is tempting or not.

I don’t deny that a person that is looking for company has to invest some time in it. However, where we should focus our strength is on becoming the perfect partner, improving, enhancing our sexuality, being able to reach that future relationship with elegance, without a desperate need that turns us into beggars. That would be the best investment because when the other is in front of us they will see a very interesting individual; not a needy person.

There is something very important that we have been taught wrong. This is set forth in the book Espacio interior (Inner space), by Antonio Jorge Larruy: “Life is not a process of acquisition, but rather a deployment,” he writes, and continues, “We usually start from the belief that we are nothing, and that the more we fill ourselves, the more we are, when it is actually the other way around. At the beginning we already have potential, and life, instead of being a process of incorporation, is a process of deployment.” As for the matter that concerns us, the book says: “This attitude of yielding is perceived with a certain clarity in the energetic aspect, but it is not so evident in other aspects. For example, if you want to be in good physical shape, you don’t think that interacting with elite athletes will make you strong; it is clear that you have to start exercising in the sport you have chosen. But this, which is so obvious, we don’t see so clearly on an emotional level, because at this level we think that by surrounding ourselves with people who are special to us, with someone who loves us, with people who are nice, beautiful and more, we are going to feel happy, and it is not like that. The same rule applies here, and that is that my affectivity grows to the extent to which I exercise it. Happiness depends not on the circumstance in which we find ourselves, but on our ability to exercise affectivity.”

Sign up for our weekly newsletter to get more English-language news coverage from EL PAÍS USA Edition