Why it’s not good to replay conversations in your head

Replaying in our minds a conversation we have had with someone, whether it be a few phrases, expressions or even a single word, is a much more common habit than we might think. Reproducing a dialogue over and over in our heads is, in reality, a reinterpretation and, therefore, is not 100% accurate, but rather an attempt to dissect each word and gesture and to scrutinize all the nuances of a past interaction in a ruminative cycle full of analysis and reflection. “When our mind tends to reproduce a conversation, it has to do with not having been able to express what we feel and so, through the imaginary representation of the interaction, we seek the way to resolve what has been left unfinished,” says Lucía Fernández Pastor, director of the Madrid-based psychology center Tu Mente.

“In principle, reproducing words already expressed between two people helps us to better understand a situation, to review our attitude and that of the other person, and to draw new conclusions, to control the emotions that were generated, and to interpret what the other person might think of us,” says Sonia Castro, a clinical psychologist and member of the European Institute of Positive Psychology (IEPP). According to this expert, the assessment of situations that we make through our internal dialogue can be positive, if it is rational; or negative, if it is irrational. “When there is a high level of worry that is not managed properly, mental rumination appears, which consists of not being able to stop thinking and automatically reproducing certain phrases or events in your mind, as if it were mental background noise, a scratched record that does not stop,” she explains.

Although the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association does not include mental rumination as a disorder, it does consider obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) as a complication derived from constant mental rumination characterized by recurrent, persistent, unwanted and intrusive thoughts, impulses or images, or else by repetitive behaviors or mental acts. “The rumination of conversations in our mind usually corresponds to emotions such as rage, anger, frustration, as well as desires, which we may be perfectly aware of,” adds Lucía Fernández Pastor. Emotions can become repressed and even chronic. “In clinical psychology we call it obsessive thinking, but if it becomes serious it is OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder),” explains Sonia Castro.

In fact, a study published in January of this year in Sciencedirect and carried out by psychologists and psychiatrists concludes that constant mental review intensifies feelings of anxiety, insecurity and guilt. The research also analyzes how interpersonal relationships can be strained when the individual focuses on themselves instead of fully connecting with the other in the present moment, since repetition in the mind actually becomes an obstacle to authentic connection and emotional closeness.

Two big reasons why we replay conversations in our heads

Lucía Fernández Pastor highlights how unresolved emotions or unspoken words provoke imaginary conversations, in which we can conclude the conversation and thus not suffer; for example, in a relationship that has ended badly, whether it is friendship or love, where we “trick” our brain to avoid unwanted feelings. “Human beings are programmed to seek resolution and understanding, especially in social interactions. Thus, when a conversation leaves us with an unresolved feeling, we instinctively repeat it, and we can fall into rumination,” adds Sonia Castro.

For Lucía Fernández Pas, this is one of the main reasons why people repeat an interaction with someone over and over again in their heads. “People can go back on their word and change their minds, but the goal is to be able to find a balance in relationships from a place of self-care and protection as well as emotional responsibility and care for others, incorporating the idea that healthy relationships involve uncomfortable conversations, and that they are necessary to manage the discomfort we may feel,” adds this expert.

On the other hand, the other reason that leads people to overthink situations or conversations is the fear of social rejection. “Many people, driven by the desire for social approval, worry excessively about possible misunderstandings or negative judgments from others. Consequently, the fear of social disapproval can lead to greater vigilance during conversations, leading people to examine interactions for any sign of criticism or discontent,” says Sonia Castro.

How to control repetitive thoughts

Repeating conversations comes from thoughts that can be ruminative and even intrusive. “These two types of thoughts can vary greatly from one person to another in content, but they have in common the reason why they are generated. They are really a strategy that the mind uses to manage the distressing, depressed or anxious state of mind it is in,” says Silvia Dal Ben, psychologist and director of the Unobravo clinic.

Thus, for the psychologist, when these thoughts begin, the most important thing is to recognize them and ask for help, sharing what affects us mentally with someone close. “Negative or unproductive thought patterns, such as self-criticism or catastrophic scenarios, must be questioned and observed, questioning their veracity and considering alternative perspectives,” she adds.

One of the most effective strategies is to keep a diary of reflection on our inner conversations. “Writing down key points and information helps to follow patterns, identifying areas for improvement,” explains Sonia Castro. Ultimately, and according to this expert, although repeating phrases and dialogues in your head may seem harmless and useful, in reality it is a gateway that often leads to overthinking and rumination. “In the end, it harms relationships. But if we recognize the underlying motivations behind this tendency, we can free ourselves from the cycle of repetitive rumination and live in the present with confidence.”

Sign up for our weekly newsletter to get more English-language news coverage from EL PAÍS USA Edition