Muted friends: When we like someone in person but can’t stand them on social media

Until just over a decade and a half ago, all we knew about our friends was what they shared with us directly; and perhaps a few more things that we were told about them. At certain moments – if we saw them, for example, with their family or a coworker – we could have gotten a small glimpse of how they are in other social contexts, but that was not the norm. Now, however, in addition to what we know firsthand, there is all that reaches us through their social media posts. Story by story, that person we like can begin to fall from grace.

“This happens to me with a very close friend,” says Carolina, 25. They have different political views, something that she believes is heightened on social media when the person “has an irresistible need to share his opinion on everything.” When they meet, on the other hand, the conversation is more relaxed and everything flows better. “We talk about life, about ourselves, about some person that walks by... in social media he keeps his guard up, he has a persona to maintain,” she says. This online persona even made her want to see him less. “I had to make an effort,” she recalls. To fix the situation, she ended up muting him. By eliminating that virtual part of the relationship, the friendship, she believes, is doing better.

Why can we like someone in person, but not on social media? Do we behave as different people? Amparo Lasén Díaz, professor and researcher in sociology at the Complutense University of Madrid, points out that we must keep in mind that “in that offline life we don’t show the same face in our work, with our clients, with our friends or with our parents.” On social networks, on the other hand, we present ourselves to all of these audiences at the same time (although they also change, depending on the platform). If someone shows a side that we do not usually see online, or focuses on a topic that they do not discuss with us, like Carolina’s friend, we can end up feeling a certain surprise or even rejection towards a person that we actually like to have in our life.

Politics is one of the most common reasons for unfollowing someone (for instance, 29% of the participants in a 2021 study unfriended or unfollowed a Facebook contact for political reasons during the 2020 US election campaign, although they did not specify if that person was an actual friend or someone that they followed out of obligation). However, that is not the only factor that can lead to the decision to mute a person’s posts.

The risks of wanting to be liked

“The way we present and express ourselves on social media usually responds to factors related to who we are and how we want others to see us,” says Vanesa Pérez Torres, professor and researcher in social and organizational psychology at the Rey Juan Carlos University in Madrid, Spain. The expert, who has done extensive research on social media, explains that “an elaborate, selective self-presentation can be shown” on these platforms. That is, you can “edit your profile in various ways [such as the use of filters in some apps] or carefully select the most favorable images or videos. This is known as ‘impression management,’ a mechanism that allows us to show others a generally more positive image of who we are.” Lasén points out that, in her research on the use of social media, she has seen that “people are usually quite concerned about presenting a good image that is also authentic.”

The result of this impression management and search for authenticity, however, does not always impress our contacts. Vicente, 38, also ended up muting a friend “so as not to end up hating her.” He describes her profile as “a bit too humblebrag” (a term that refers to the quality of appearing modest and casual while actually trying to draw attention to yourself). In person, however, this girl is “hilarious,” and he justifies her behavior: “She is a comedian, and they have to do a lot of promotion on social media,” he says. He, however, as a friend, doesn’t have to see all those posts.

Vicente’s case shows that our attempts to manage the image that we present of ourselves on social media can end up appearing superficial or annoying to people who know us. Sociologist Amparo Lasén mentions that in one of her investigations some interviewees explained that sometimes they perceived their friends, through social media, as too simplistic and too categorical. “In a conversation you can argue; in a social network you get the post that was published for the whole world, and it may astonish you,” she points out. A private message can be sent for disagreements, but that is not always done or even necessary. When those posts that make you cringe are simple boasting or insisting on the same topic, sometimes the best course of action is to judge silently and try not to forget that we actually like that person very much.

Beyond the content of the posts itself, sometimes the problem is in the amount of them. “We don’t always take into account that the etiquette rules of platforms are the same,” says Lasén. Thus, to one person it may seem that one story or one post a week is enough, to another posting several times a day is the norm. In addition, the sociologist explains that we could end up associating the cellphone and social media fatigue with the person from whom we are seeing the most publications.

This difference in how we are perceived in person and what we express online can also be the opposite. We may like someone people online, but find them boring or less interesting in real life. However, Vanesa Pérez Torres points out that “almost all current interpersonal relationships are mediated by the digital world, so this type of differentiation is, and will be, less frequent.”

When we notice that a contact that we are fond of seems less agreeable on social media, is it a good idea to mute them? “Every person can value how being on social media contributes to their lives. If it causes discomfort or affects interpersonal relationships, then you should give it a good thought,” explains the psychologist. If you click the button that will make them disappear from your feed, but not from your contacts, you don’t always have to tell the muted person. But if they find out and ask for explanations, if the friendship is strong, perhaps a simple “it’s not you, it’s your posts” will suffice.

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