Faking orgasms: Why do we lie in sex?

How curious that the most famous orgasm in the history of cinema is fake and takes place before a sizeable audience in a New York deli (Katz’s), when the main character of When Harry Met Sally (1989) tries to convince her companion that women do fake it and, most of the time, men don’t have a clue. As she pretends to climax, Sally — played by Meg Ryan — is so convincing, that a woman across the restaurant calls the waiter and says “I’ll have what she’s having.”

Let those who have never engaged in a little amateur theater between the sheets cast the first stone. After all, sex between two or more people is already a social act, a job for our alter ego, which must be up to the task and come off as an experienced, creative, risky and adventurous lover.

Asking why people fake orgasms would be like asking why resumes are embellished, why cosmetic surgery clinics exist, or why people use filters on social media. The answer is always the same: reality is disliked, so it is adorned, disguised, given fake attributes that are not really there.

The right question would not be why the orgasm is simulated, but for what. Deceit always pursues a reward, but in the case of sex it might not be so clear; what is gained by making the other believe that we climaxed, other than giving false feedback about their lovemaking techniques and the mechanics of pleasure itself?

According to researchers from the Eötvös Loránd University, in Hungary, women fake sexual climaxes because they feel insecure and do not want to appear “abnormal or inadequate.” That is the conclusion of one of the most recent studies on the subject, carried out with 360 heterosexual women and published in Science Direct in 2022. Those who had difficulty reaching “the big O” were the most prone to faking it. “Although orgasmic difficulty in women is related to both higher levels of insecurity and concern about their partner’s self-esteem, it was the former motive — derived from their own feelings of insecurity — that was most strongly associated with their greater likelihood of faking orgasm,” the researchers wrote.

Men do it too, of course. Apparently, it is harder for them, because ejaculation is associated with orgasm, although they do not always go together. “That’s the case of retrograde ejaculation, which goes to the bladder without passing through the urethra. It occurs after a radical prostatectomy [the removal of the prostate gland],” explains Francisca Molero, gynecologist, sexologist, director of the Ibero-American Institute of Sexology and president of the Spanish Federation of Sexology Societies. “In these cases, even if there is an orgasm, it may not be identified as such because it is a different sensation, not noticing the semen passing through the urethra. Sometimes, with certain drugs, especially antipsychotics or antidepressants, the orgasmic sensation that usually accompanies ejaculation is lost, or it’s almost imperceptible,” says the sexologist.

Molero states that both genders do it, “although much less than before. What’s more common is to fake it at the beginning of the relationship, to look good or to avoid hurting the other’s feelings; because the sexual issue is increasingly important for a relationship to work; sexual dissatisfaction, maintained over time, is one of the main reasons for breaking up.” We pretend for ourselves, for the other and for the relationship, but extending the performance is not always easy. “Women who pretend frequently usually end up telling the truth, making the problem visible. Men find it harder to be honest. They are afraid of losing their alpha male status, both with women and among their group of friends,” says Raúl González, a sexologist, educational psychologist and couples therapist at a therapeutic support office in Madrid, Spain.

The art of pretending has another layer of difficulty for gay couples, because two people of the same sex share the same biology. “There are still inexperienced men for whom the female sexual response remains a mystery. But this does not happen in a lesbian couple, as they know when their girl is well lubricated. And the same thing happens between two male lovers, who are very aware of the signs of loss of erection or the sensation of ejaculation,” says González.

“Ideally, this topic should be dealt with in a sincere, fluid conversation, taking the other’s feelings into account; however, most of the time people fall into ‘sincericide,’ when the relationship is already very deteriorated and one person blurts out something like ‘Just so you know, I haven’t felt a thing in months,’” says González. “Someone said that the union of two people was the union of two desires and two egoisms. I would expand it to four, as each person has two desires (to desire and to be desired) and two egoisms (I want to have a good time and I want the other to have a good time with me). Combining all these elements is not always easy.”

If fitting all these pieces into the puzzle can be complicated, some choose to separate orgasm and pleasure, and sex with oneself and with others. That was the case of Elvis Presley, who maintained that the best sex was achieved through masturbation. It is also the case of Alicia, a 44-year-old woman from Madrid who admits: “I have learned to dissociate pure pleasure from relationship, because it is very difficult for these two elements to come together, unless one is deeply, deeply in love. Most people get more pleasure with masturbation than with intercourse, where bodies, preferences, sexual responses and even traumas must fit together.”

So where is the interaction with the other, the encounter, the communication? Is dancing with yourself better? For Gloria Arancilla, a sexologist and psychologist with a practice in Madrid, the problem is always the same: “A lack of knowledge, information and sexual education in pleasure and enjoyment, because even though much progress has been made, there is still a long way to go.” According to this expert, for many, the goal of a sexual encounter is still the orgasm, and if it is not achieved, it is faked, because a couple’s sexuality is formulated from demands, control, objectives and protocols. “We would have to learn what pleasure with no rules is. A sexual relationship starts with seduction, touching, looking at each other, becoming aroused. With no goals, no choreographies and no maps to follow, because the experience of the body changes. No two sexual relations are the same.” There is nothing more liberating than doing away with goals so you don’t have to pretend to have reached them.

Fake orgasms are not the worst thing that can happen in bed. Sometimes sexologists task anorgasmic women with simulating climax just like Sally, focusing on the idea that you can fake it until you make it, a concept that is quite evident in laughter therapy: make them smile even if they don’t feel like it, and eventually the smile will become real. However, apart from this therapeutic exercise, a fake orgasm is one of those lies that end up hurting the one who tells it more than the one who listens.

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