Three years chatting, and for what? The people who use hookup apps, but avoid face-to-face

Seven years ago, the story of Josh Avsec and Michelle Arendas went viral. The two Tinder users, who matched in 2014, talked for three years without ever linking up in person. Then Avsec decided to post a series of screenshots of their conversations to X. The official Tinder account on the social media platform decide to step in, quote-tweeting that, “It’s time you got together IRL. You have 24 hrs to decide the city you want to have your first date in and we’ll send you there!” Although there are countless cases of people who surprise themselves by spending time on conversations with potential dates that never wind up becoming face-to-face encounters, the case of Arendas and Avsec ultimately did transition into an IRL encounter—but making that leap is oftentimes complicated. So much so that nowadays, there are those who go to great lengths to avoid possible romantic interests who turn into pen pals, someone who utilizes dating apps to chat, but never meet up with people in person.

“When you swipe, you have to pay $5.52 and in the case of a match, you have to meet up within a week or your money is not refunded. If anyone ghosts or makes a ridiculous excuse for not meeting up, they lose their money and are banned from the app, no exceptions,” say the creators of the Instagram account @breakfastshirtss, in a video that reflects on people who never transition their online conversations to the physical plane. The phenomenon can even devolve into what is known as “breadcrumbing,” responding just enough to the other person to maintain their interest by parceling out “crumbs” of attention, without any intention of taking the relationship to the next level. “If someone notices that the other person’s effort is consistently limited and feels like there has been no progress, even though they have expressed a desire to take the relationship to the next stage, that may be a sign of breadcrumbing,” says Dr. Caroline, a sex and relationship expert at Bumble.

Proof of how common this practice is lies in the number of profiles these days that specify that their creators are not looking for pen pals. Why is it becoming so common for people to behave like this? Eva Campos Navarro, author of the Spanish language book Y te doy mi corazón (And I give you my heart; Plataforma Editorial, 2024), says, “It may be because people are looking for the perfect person who is a 100% match, because they are using a profile that doesn’t exactly match up with their reality, because they are looking to chat to kill time, because they’re shy, emotionally irresponsible … Before, dating apps were used to transition relationships into the real world, but now, for many people, they are an end to themselves, a hobby, just like social networks,” she says.

“It can also be due to insecurity that trips people up, makes them feel like the other person won’t like them physically, make them afraid of criticism or facing a date that can provoke fear, or that they prefer to have long conversations instead of daring to meet up face to face. Of course, if they have experienced traumatic or negative experiences, those may slow them down when it comes to meeting people,” says Judith Mesa, a psychotherapist at Vivofácil, who recommends having a first date between seven and 15 days after starting a conversation on WhatsApp, by phone or even through video calls.

Campos Navarro thinks it’s important to immediately set clear boundaries if you detect signs that the other person is resistant to physical meet-ups. “If someone wants to take the relationship into the real world, has made a certain number of attempts to set up a date (I think that three times with no results is a respectful limit for oneself, taking into account the other person’s limitations.) After that, it’s best to nip the relationship in the bud, because it’s possible that this person will never want to meet up,” she says.

Apps like Tinder can be fertile ground for introverted people who take longer to get up the courage to meet new acquaintances — one of the factors that the experts consulted agree can prolong the arrival of a first date. As psychologist Viviane Hähne explains, apps are ideal for shy folks because they allow them to take their time to think about their next message. “It’s best not to cancel dates at the last minute. In psychology, this is called ‘avoidance behavior’ unless they have a real reason, and such practices can only reinforce insecurities. Even if it requires effort and you have to step out of your comfort zone, it’s worth facing your fears,” she says. She says that online dating offers an opportunity to get to know someone more slowly and that initially, developing relationships online can be healthy, since it allows people to better identify red flags. “Introverts are 15% more likely than extroverts to seek out friendships on Tinder and they tend to take longer to open up and trust new acquaintances, spending more time building relationships and bonding with others. In return, these relationships tend to be deeper and more stable,” she says.

Dr. Caroline says that it is precisely because of the constant changes taking place in the dating world that communication is so important, and that apps encourage people to be clear about their own expectations, and to be able to have open conversations in each stage of the dating process — including the part where it comes to agreeing about when to meet someone in person. “There is no set deadline to link up with someone. If singles want to quickly move onto the next stage and see each other IRL, they should go ahead! If they want to take more time, they can do that too. The only rule is to be true to yourself at all times,” she says.

It’s normal that, when faced with app burnout and the kind of bad experiences that many app users have had, some people will find meeting up beyond the screen terrifying. Online conversations can help individuals to feel less alone without having to face an in-person meeting that can recall past dating debacles. Still, communication is key so as not to waste the time of people who are indeed looking for a speedy real-life connection.

Sign up for our weekly newsletter to get more English-language news coverage from EL PAÍS USA Edition