Voluntary celibacy: giving up sex to improve your sex life... Does it work?

“After my last breakup (following a five-year-long relationship) I came out quite shaken, with my self-esteem on the floor. I spent about three or four weeks abstaining from meeting people and trying to have [casual] sex, since I didn’t want to use anyone to fill my [emotional] void.”

Elena, for her part, explains that she practices voluntary celibacy from time to time: “It helps me focus and figure out what I really like.” For Ana, she says that it allowed her to distance herself from toxic relationships. “It was a complete mental cleansing. I enjoyed another kind of pleasure,” she recalls. And Raúl — following a breakup — made the decision to take a break, because sex brought back too many memories.

Voluntary celibacy — the act of consciously deciding not to have sexual relations with other people for a period of time (and not necessarily due to a lack of opportunities) — is an option that’s considered to be part of a process of self-care and personal development. It’s common to do so after an emotional break-up, as a way of getting back in touch with oneself and working through emotional pain. But it can also be an option when you’re going through a period of introspection.

Each person will have their reasons for deciding on voluntary sexual abstinence, but what’s quite common is that, in a good number of cases, the opinion is generally positive.

When it comes to this topic — although it may be obvious — it’s worth highlighting the word “voluntary.” The lack of sexual relations when there’s simply no possibility of sex probably doesn’t have positive opinions or effects. But if it’s a conscious decision, this changes everything.

While it’s true that having sexual relations has beneficial effects for the body, not having them doesn’t necessarily harm it. Abstaining from sex could provide positive aspects, such as not running the risk of sexually transmitted disease, avoiding a source of anxiety (when sex produces fears or insecurities), or taking time for self-reflection and self-growth.

Sexologist Sergio Julve, however, isn’t categorical about the benefits that this practice can bring to sexuality: “I think it’s something that depends on the context of each individual at emotional, psychological, educational, social and cultural levels.”

Carolina Roldán — a sexologist and content creator — takes into account the reasons that lead to this abstinence. “There are those who decide to do so because of a bad past experience, because of present or past violence, because of stories about addictions, infections, illnesses, chronic displeasure… but there are also those who undertake it from a choice [influenced by] context, education, culture, or religion. [So long as] they do it from a place of free will, I consider chastity to be a convenient option,” she points out.

The dating app Bumble recently had to apologize for an advertising campaign, which contained the following message: “a vow of celibacy is not the answer.” Numerous people criticized the corporation, feeling like it attacked their choices.

“Sexual freedom cannot leave outside its limits those who — of their own free will — decide not to exercise an active sexuality,” Julve warns. “We’ve spent many years convincing several generations that it’s possible to enjoy a free, healthy and pleasurable sexuality… but sometimes we forget that it’s a right and not a duty.”

Many of the complaints about the campaign came from women. While there are men who also opt for this practice, voluntary abstinence is typically associated with women.

Sexual learning is different for each person. But without a doubt, one of the factors that influences it is gender. “The female sex has been bombarded with messages about how to live their sexuality, first with the dangers of unwanted pregnancies and then with purity. And then we kept hearing that we must free ourselves and attend to the sexual liberation of women. And now what? Maybe it’s time to stop telling [women] what to do and let there be real freedom,” the sexologist says.

Other criticisms regarding the advertising campaign had to do with the way in which relationships are built, especially on dating apps where there’s a habitual search for casual sex. “I decided to be celibate until I found a real commitment, because I felt empty and used when I gave my body to people who never had any intention of taking care of me. Celibacy is respect for oneself,” says one user on X.

Planning dates without the sex factor has an influence on the way in which we relate to each other. “An important element in relationships is sex and everything that it entails. If we remove it from the equation, many people wouldn’t be interested in others. At the same time, many other people have been accepting sex in exchange for the possibility of finding a deeper emotional bond,” Julve notes.

Dating without the sexual component could put the emphasis on the emotional side of things and the construction of more intimate bonds, allowing for connections to be enhanced and for partners to get to know each other in a different way. So long as it’s a shared objective, of course… and taking into account that “nowadays, not wanting sex on first dates is more the exception than the rule,” according to Roldán.

“You have to keep in mind that the other person may go on the date with the expectation of an intimate encounter. But you also have to be clear about whether it’s genuinely desired, because that allows people to know from what point they’ll make decisions,” he emphasizes. Reflecting on what you’re looking for when it comes to sex is advisable, so as to be able to build relationships from a place of honesty and awareness.

But can sexual abstinence be a good option to improve your sex life? Ironically, giving up sex may help you have better sex. At least, that’s what some testimonies about abstinence reflect: “I do it from time to time… it helps me focus and know what I really like,” Pablo shrugs. For Inma, she claims to have discovered herself “with caresses… admiring my body through self-knowledge.”

Still, experts point out that there may be risks that accompany voluntary celibacy. One of them may be the act of disconnecting from one’s own sexuality, putting it away in the trunk of memories and throwing away the key. That is, getting used to not having sex and not finding the time to get back to it. Another risk is crossing the line from curative measure to self-punishment, such as denying oneself sex because of the guilt of having enjoyed it with someone who — to offer some examples — “didn’t deserve it, wasn’t good for me, or didn’t love me.”

“The question is, why do we deny ourselves pleasure to be able to heal?” Julve asks. “Does the idea that pleasure harms us come from a moral belief system? Is abstinence directed towards sex, or towards emotional bonding? What are we seeking to heal? What other possibilities do we have, before denying ourselves one of the few free pleasures in life?”

A conscious reflection on personal objectives is the best way to decide whether or not a period of voluntary sexual abstinence is necessary. Clearly, the practice has no shortage of supporters.