Why are we sexually attracted to people we can’t stand?

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car.

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you’re always right.

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call.

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you.

Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

This is the poem that the character played by Julia Stiles writes, inspired by Heath Ledger’s character, in the movie 10 Things I Hate About You. The film, and the poem, both inspired by William Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew, stand as another example of how pop culture, literature and poetry have always fueled the myth of the couple who hate each other but like each other, a curious duality that always results in a happy ending in which love conquers hate – at least in fiction. In that context, Marta Ridaura Alfayate, a psychologist specialized in family, couples and trauma, warns that “in these types of stories, they both hate each other at the beginning of the relationship, so they start from a toxic and power dynamic. However, the way in which it is presented makes it seem like an ideal that we all strive for and that is part of the game of seduction.”

Social psychologist Justin J. Lehmiller confirmed that this curious and paradoxical attraction is quite common when he launched a survey to write his book, Tell Me What You Want, in which he explores the fantasies of thousands of people. The study revealed that 31% of the 4,175 people surveyed said they had had sexual fantasies about someone they disliked at least once, while 3% said they had these thoughts frequently. But how is it possible to desire someone we don’t like? Ridaura Alfayate responds: “First of all, we have to consider that someone’s physical appearance or sense of humor can be attractive to us even if we don’t like the person emotionally. This is because the dopamine, adrenaline and serotonin that we secrete when we are physically attracted to someone remain, as much as we dislike them,” she explains. In addition, she points out, we must take into account that the emotions that lead us to dislike that person, whether they are hate or frustration, can be very intense and generate a dynamic of competition or emotional tension that increase the desire or the closeness. “To all this we must add the fact that we sometimes project our needs outwards. That is to say, if I feel frustrated in my relationship, or not cared for, I may not like that person who does look after me or take care of me, as this makes me reflect on the things that don’t work in my life,” she adds.

What is certain is that sometimes arguing with someone brings us closer to them. Juan Muñoz, author of Discutir es sano (in English: Arguing is healthy), explains that although conflict is inherent to interpersonal relationships, we have been taught to avoid it since childhood. “Arguing (understood as the ability to speak from our emotions to reach common agreements) means letting people see you (know your opinions, desires and goals) and making an effort to see the person you are talking to. Learning to argue means learning to show yourself to the world as you are and build relationships from there. Thus, learning to argue is an act of self-love and affection for the other person: I want to tell you what I think, and I also want to know about you, I want to see you completely. Is there anything that can bring us closer than this?” he asks.

However, when asked if differences in personality and mindset can make the other seem more attractive, he distinguishes between the short and the long term. “In the short term we can feel attracted to people who have traits that we would like to have. For example, if I am a very shy person, I may admire someone who is super outgoing and feel attracted to him or her. If we understand the couple as a team that strives to function together, I consider it positive that each member has different personalities, as long as these differences are used to build something together. In the long term, we must ponder if these differences are aligned with the values that move us, as we will hardly be able to maintain a relationship based on daily communication (in which we can argue in a healthy way) with a person whose values are diametrically opposed to ours” he points out.

Hate sex

When talking about love-hate relationships, it is impossible not to mention the so-called hate sex, a type of sexual relationship between two people who are attracted to each other, but at the same time dislike each other. “When we talk about hate sex, we are referring to those passionate sexual encounters in which you have intercourse with people who you don’t like, although you are attracted to them. Don’t deny it: it happens. Let’s not forget that sex is a form of communication, so it also allows us to express emotions, from hatred to joy or sadness,” explains Ridaura Alfayate, who emphasizes that sex does not always need a positive emotional bond – although It does require a bond; that is, we must find things that make us feel attracted and desired. “In addition, those power games that usually take place in hate sex tend to attract us more, increasing the desire we feel and, therefore, leading to an exciting sexual encounter, regardless of what we feel for the other person,” she says.

The psychologist delves into the way in which some studies have analyzed the relation between having sex with someone we dislike and self-sabotage. “I would like us to be able to approach it from two points of view; on one hand, that of control, and the power that is perceived in those situations, where the exciting thing is the idea of the pain or the control that is obtained from that encounter. And on the other hand, when we have a negative self-image, we often go into relationships out of the need to feel valued externally, because we cannot recognize our own value and we need someone else to do so, even if they don’t make us feel attraction or don’t make us feel respected. That is why it is essential to be able to consider going to therapy when our relationship with ourselves focuses on self-punishment or high self-criticism,” she concludes.

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