Erika Lust, the creator of The Porn Conversation: ‘We are not used to educating about sex beyond the risks it can pose’

Erika Lust, 46, has been directing and producing adult films for over 15 years. But her films have little to do with the mainstream porn accessed by teenagers and pre-teens at increasingly younger ages. Through her production company, ERIKALUST, the Swedish director tries to “show sex as something natural, debunking stereotypes and promoting diversity and mutual pleasure.”

Lust is the producer of what she describes as feminist porn — an authentic and egalitarian representation of human sexuality without gender stereotypes — and the mother of two teenage daughters. These perspectives inform the website she created, The Porn Conversation. Her non-profit online organization aims to serve “as a resource for parents and educators who wish to address the issue of pornography with their children and students in a healthy and informative way.” The Porn Conversation offers free guides and tools for parents, educators and young people; the resources were created in collaboration with sexologists and social educators. The Barcelona-based director created The Porn Conversation with her husband Pablo Dobner; it was inaugurated in April 2023.

Question. How did the idea of creating The Porn Conversation come to you?

Answer. I realized that the parents at my daughters’ school didn’t know how to tell their children what I did for a living, let alone have a conversation about sex and porn. Talking about porn was taboo, although their children watched it on the sly and internalized its messages without further context or explanation. The goal of this website is to provide tools, guides and tips for having honest and educational conversations about media information around porn.

Q. Is mainstream porn a real problem?

A. It is true that much of the pornographic content that is regularly consumed shows unrealistic stereotypes and, sometimes, a distorted view of sex, which can affect viewers’ perception of what sex is. That is why it is very important for both adults and young people to have a good and complete sex education, as well as be informed about the options available on the internet in terms of erotic content. Additionally, it is important to understand that porn is fiction for the purpose of entertainment, not a realistic representation of what sexual relations should be like.

Q. Do you think parents are aware of the true magnitude of this problem?

A. Are we generally aware of the magnitude of the problem of the lack of sex education? Often, young people access this content because it is the only place where they think they can learn [about sex]. Again, the most important thing is to educate ourselves and be prepared to start open and honest conversations — free of sexual taboos — with our children, so that they know what they can find on these websites, and that such material can never replace sex education.

Q. What would be the right age to have that conversation?

A. I always recommend starting the conversation as soon as the young person shows interest in their own sex life. The earlier we try to address this issue through information and education, not guilt and punishment, the easier it will be for young people to make decisions aligned with their values when it comes to consuming sexual content, if they choose to do so.

Q. Talking about porn with children is very hard for parents. What do you think makes it so difficult?

A. Our society’s taboos and lack of sex education are probably what makes it so difficult. Many parents may also feel uncomfortable or insecure talking about sex, since they themselves did not have adequate sex education and probably don’t know where to start. However, it is important to overcome these obstacles and approach the subject openly and nonjudgmentally. We must provide accurate information, encourage dialogue, and answer our children’s questions in an honest and understanding way.

Q. How should it be addressed at home?

A. At home, it is crucial to create an environment of trust and openness in which children feel safe talking about sex and pornography. We must critically educate about pornography [by] explaining its differences with real sexual relationships and promoting the importance of consent, respect and mutual pleasure. As a mother, I have had to have this conversation personally, and I have always sought to create that atmosphere of trust that I am talking about, so that [my children] could ask me questions and express their concerns without the fear of being judged. It is important that we break down sexual taboos so that young people can develop healthy relationships in the future!

Q. What should parents consider when starting the conversation?

A. It is essential that it take place in a comfortable, private place with water available, in case it is needed during the conversation. Keep in mind that this conversation may also take several attempts; or even involve several conversations, because it may be awkward at first. We are not used to talking about sex, and as parents or educators we are not used to educating about sex beyond the risks it can pose. That’s why I recommend a lot of patience, love and listening.

Q. Sex education is not offered at schools. What would be your approach? What do you think it should be like?

A. We should incorporate comprehensive sex education that responsibly addresses issues such as consent, body diversity, identity and sexuality, healthy relationships and pornography. In addition, it is essential that sex education courses be constantly updated to reflect the reality and needs of today’s young people.

Q. Your website has downloadable materials that are grouped by age. What are the keys for each age group?

A. Between the ages of 8 and 11, I recommend focusing on privacy, boundaries and respect for others. Between the ages of 12 and 15, more specific topics can be addressed, such as consent, communication and the diversity of sexualities, identities, bodies, etc. From the age of 16 on, it is important to talk to adolescents about sexuality as a natural and healthy expression, and to promote a positive view of consensual sex.

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