Caught in bed? How to talk to your children about what they saw

At night many parents play ninja. They put the children to bed, kiss them on the forehead, look at each other and then the kisses change recipients to become more intimate, wet and silky. They get to bed, lower the blinds and take off their clothes. Gone are the sounds and urgency of earlier years. Now everything is done on silent mode so as not to wake up the other members of the household. There isn’t much time and every precious second is made the most of. And when the act is about to be completed, there is your six-year-old, standing in the doorway: “What are you doing? Why is daddy on top of mommy? What are those noises?” the child asks. The mother hurriedly throws on her clothes, hugs her son and takes him back to bed: “We’ll talk tomorrow, it’s nothing bad. Go back to sleep.” She returns to the bedroom, rubs her eyes and says: “What the hell do we say to him tomorrow?”

For the psychologist Gema Castaño, the best course of action is to discuss what happened the next day as naturally and honestly as possible. It’s not easy, but you have to put in the effort. In this conversation, she explains, parents have to be open to their children’s questions and, although these may be uncomfortable, they should answer them in the simplest and most direct way possible. “It is very important not to lie to them or tell them phony stories (no more storks or cabbage patches), since a secure attachment is built on trust and sincerity.”

“If our son or daughter is in early childhood education, we can give examples of the displays of affection they use with their friends because consensual sex is an expression of our affections,” says Castaño. As an example, you might say that just like kids enjoy hugging or kissing their friends, adults also have contact needs. At this age, children should be told about the different parts of the body, and how they may like some parts to be touched more than others: “It is valuable to instill in them respect for their own body and for the bodies of others, and also work on how to say no.” If the children are older, Castaño says it is important to talk about other concepts such as consent, the pleasure obtained with oneself or in the exploration of another body, as well as different types of sexual relations (so that their idea of sex is not reduced to penetration).

For the teacher Lourdes Jiménez García, it is advisable to start treating sexuality naturally between the ages of two and four: “Ideally, boys and girls should learn to recognize sexual organs and their functions as soon as possible, so that they do not receive this information from TV, the internet or other friends.”

The sexologist Esther Martínez Moreno, from In|Sex, a Spanish association, considers talking to minors about intimacy another fundamental element: “Perhaps, If they catch us in the act, it is because the limits of the public, private and intimate spaces in our home are not very clear.” Martínez Moreno says that establishing the limits of the private and the intimate spheres is directly linked to the family model that one wants to create: “In many families it is natural to go naked around the house while in others, this belongs to the realm of the intimate.” But, she points out, this not only has to do with the body or sexuality: “Other behaviors can also be intimate and we may not want to share them with anyone, such as writing a diary, singing in front of a mirror or listening to our favorite songs.”

The sexologist defends that if the language is adapted to the age of the children, they can usually grasp what is happening without difficulty: “If we worry and believe that the children have only seen the union of genitals and that this may scare them, we will start from a place of fear to talk to them.” So she advises that parents banish the belief that minors may have been scared. Martínez Moreno recommends talking to them in a comfortable and safe space, with little outside noise and nothing to divert their attention, and to have a conversation based on the questions that the children have to ask. And if they don’t have any, the expert recommends some phrases that can be said to them: “Last night you surprised us while we were sharing a private time…”

“If we pay attention to what they tell us, it is more than likely that we will be the ones to be surprised: it typically happens that there is a big difference between what they saw, what they thought they saw, and what we believe they thought they saw.”

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